Not like others

My whole life I felt like I stood out, I wasn't like other kids. I was a very emotional little kid, at the time I was one of few from divorced parents (at least in the circle of people I knew). I also struggled a lot with the boundaries of tom boy and being a girl. Well now at the age of 25, I long for a child which many people my age are just starting to think about. And unlike many other infertile women, I LONG to be around babies, I look at every one I pass. I notice and even linger into a stare when I see a pregnant woman. I dream about the family I will one day have and I want it. My day dreams are so real to me I wish I could just capture the images I see. And unlike many other infertile women, I wander the baby section of every store as if I am shopping for my future children. I note which car seat I would choose, the bottles I prefer, and I play dress up in my mind. I can't help it, I think its the only way I handle not having a child yet. And I research, oh how I like to learn. It used to be about pregnancy, but now, I am beyond that and into safety items, parenting topics, schedules, and anything you could imagine.

So it stands true, still at 25 years old, I am not typical, nor am I normal. I am ok with that though.

Im Giddy

I have never been so excited to say my period has started. I called the Dr and the nurse asked when it started and my response was "within the past 5 minutes".

So Im waiting for them to call me back, I may have to go in today to get an exam, but I hope they order my meds so everything can get started. I am SO excited right now.

My Period won't show

My period is ALWAYS on time and occasionally a couple days early. Well of course because we are on a HUGE time constraint, my period has chosen to be late. I NEED it to start in the next two to three days to make this cycle work. And its making me crazy. I am getting hot flashes, I am moody as hell, and just plain stressed out because of it. Its so frustrating.

I took a test yesterday and it was 100% negative. I have never had a false negative on a test and two accurate positives, so I believe the test, but my heart is in my throat and I am on the verge of crying because I just want my period to show.

Who would have thought I would ever wish for a period.

Might be starting IVF

We have talked about when to proceed with the next round of IVF for awhile now. The hardest thing about deciding is because Tim's job is changing so often and up in the air till the last moment. Our original plan was to begin when my period started in September, so it would have been the end of the month. We talked it over and decided to try for early September because it just fit better. No problem there the Dr was just going to have me on BCP's to alter my cycle. Then Tim learned MORE about work. He may be gone and won't be able to be here for a September cycle. We also have plans in mid to end August to be in Georgia visiting family.

And without out me explaining all the complexities of his job, it comes down to the idea that we might be starting IVF this month, end of July. I am SO excited about it too. If all goes as I hope and my period starts soon (it should have arrived today), we should be on our way to being pregnant!!!!

I can't help but think about it, and I feel so positive just realizing how close it is.

A great day gone wrong

Today was a great day. Anna and I spent time doing some shopping. I even found the romper I LOVED on clearance. It was also a size 6-9 month which will be perfect if the next IVF works right and we get another girl. Then Anna and I went to the tigers game with Laura, Jim, Aleah, and Ron.

The tigers won  the game 7-1 and was followed by an amazing firework show.

So how does such a great get ruined?  At the end of the fireworks my sister commented (she is 5 months pregnant) that the baby was going crazy. It just hit me hard. Mostly because all I want is to have that and because I never got to have that with Ruth.

So now its time to end my day on that note.