33 week update

Wow can you say slacker? Yeah that would be accurate. Im so behind on everything that is life lol.

Anyway tomorrow marks 33 weeks for us. Holy cow how is that even possible? I am definitely feeling lots of movements now. I have no clue what kind of position she is in, but I can feel her bulging on my right side and thats where I feel most the movement. She previously was facing my back and so I wasn't feeling too much movement but now I think she rotated allowing me to feel her. I can usually stop for a minute and feel her move at any point in the day from the moment I wake in the morning. I absolutely love it and I know I will miss it terribly once she's out of there.

I do feel big but not massive. I think Im right on track with how I was with the boys. I also think Im carrying about the same too. I haven't been good about taking pictures again this pregnancy. No surprise. Partly because my computer needs a serious clean up so I can actually put more pics on the computer and edit them. Like I said all aspects of life Im behind on.

Currently seeing the OB now every other week. I go in a couple days. My weight is around 187-190 depending what time of day. BP and her heartbeat have been great at every appointment. Im still getting dehydrated which causes me to get lightheaded, nauseous, and have to sit down. It seems to happen even more often lately. Its pretty hot out most days and the humidity definitely kicks my butt lol. The poor boys get stuck inside more than I would prefer but its just so hot out. And when I am in the heat I take forever to recover from it. Today we were back inside by 9:45 and I swear it took me almost 2 hours of sitting with fans on and drinking ice water to get back to feeling ok when I stood.

I think we are all getting really excited about little miss joining us here in the short distance. Leiland talks about it so much. He often asks to feel her kicking, but if he's watching tv or talking he's too distracted to actually notice when she kicks. I always ask if he felt it and many times he was saying no, and now he will say he felt it when she didn't kick. Then he runs off. Makes me a little sad because I don't think he's really feeling her hardly ever. Owen could care less. Many times if my shirt is up he either comes to lay on my tummy, play with my belly button, or pulls my shirt down for me lol. He's a character.

So a quick overview:
 - Hard time eating a full meal
 - heartburn most nights no matter what I eat
 - Constipation has started again
 - Peeing every 30 minutes on average during the day
 - Sleeping on my stomach still
 - Sleeping all night still unless Owen or Leiland wake me
 - Food is still very unappealing to me
 - No major cravings
 - Get winded easier but still able to keep up for the most part
 - Kicks all day long (LOVING this)
 - Felt 3-4 braxton hicks contractions so far
 - Slight back pain but not horrible most days
 - Nesting in full force

22 week update

Had an OB appt today. I'm 22 weeks. Babys hb was in the 150s, my uterus came to an inch or so above my belly button, and my weight was less than I expected. I'm 176 - still under what I started with Owens pregnancy and wore my pre pregnancy jeans to the office today. My shirts are tight and short so I'm wearing maternity tops most days but I don't have many so I use them when I'm going out. Or wear one for 3 days straight lol. 

I've been feeling more kicks and movement. I'm starting to feel the squirms and rolls more than just kicks. She's the size of a coconut which I love. 

Dr said its ok for me to use the riding lawn mower just no hills. He also said not to use a push mower. Next appt we do my 1 hour glucose test (mid June) and otherwise all is good. 

Leiland's 5!!!

How can this possibly be? My little tiny baby that took me forever to finally have is 5 years old. I can't wrap my mind around that. So many things to happen this year but the biggest being the start of the school year. He starts kindergarten this year. Next week is his last week before summer break and I plan to make it a great one.

So Leiland is now wearing 5T or XS boys tops, 3-4T shorts, and 5T pants (need the length). He's about 41" and 34-35 pounds.

Leiland is a little human with HUGE personality. He is polite, funny, sassy, sensitive, and full of attitude. He will talk EVERYONES ear off and not stop. His imagination is in full force these days and he loves to make things up. Leiland has a huge love for books and stories. He likes when you make up stories and he picks the elements in them. Im terrible at this however Tim is fantastic at telling stories.

If you ask Leiland what he wants to be when he grows up he usually just says "a dad" but sometimes he will tell you he wants to be a firefighter. One day he said he wants to be a pink fireman (as in pink uniform). He talks a lot about being a dad and when he grows up. He even talks about when he's older he wants so marry me - melt my heart.

Favorite color: PINK!!!!
Favorite show: Paw Patrol (likes many others)
Favorite food:
Favorite activity: Arts and crafts
Favorite Song: Blue Balloon
Favorite Place: Chuck E Cheese

This week Leiland and Owen moved into the same room. They now share bunk beds. Leiland loves it and showed no fear sleeping on the top bunk. He got to pick out his bedding and chose to get the doggie zippy sack. I got it on clearance at bed bath and beyond and even got to use my coupon (YAY). [find it here]

At nighttime we still struggle with nightmares at times. Not very frequently but enough. Leiland also is still waking super cranky and tired as though he hasn't had nearly enough sleep. Its becoming exhausting for everyone. We can go weeks and months before having a break and having some good days. We saw the dr and she said his sleep habits seemed normal for his age. I still disagree. We also discussed his bedwetting which I am not worried about. She too said its very normal at this age and to not stress over it. We did have to move out of pull ups and over to goodnights. He still leaks but not quite as much.

Not sure what else to say so here are some pics.

These Eyebrows are such a part of who Leiland is

Loves to play cards

Cut his own hair (4/18)

Kindergarten roundup bus ride

I LOVE when he brings home cool projects from school

Leiland dressed himself again. Red shirt. Red pants. Red underwear. And now red socks. He's one of a kind lol.

This kid LOVES board games too

A Letter To My Firstborn: I Miss Us - repost from Scary Mommy

A Letter To My Firstborn: I Miss Us

http://www.scarymommy.com/firstborn-miss-us/

I miss you. I miss us, just you and me. Full days of playtime. Cars and trucks, coloring, dancing about the living room to the rhythm of the music, shake-shake-shaking our shakers. Rocking chairs and books before bed and lots of laughs all over the day.

I miss driving together to the store, any store. Just you in back, singing or loudly toddler-talking your way through the commute.

I miss you being able to be loud whenever you wanted. Now you have to “Be quiet! Brother is trying to rest!” You can’t stomp around the living room, laughing as boisterously as ever. You can’t yell “Momeee!” whenever I happen to step around the corner out of view. I am so desperate to get No. 2 to sleep, again.

Instead of laughs, now there’s lots of “Be thoughtful of others. Hush!”

I so often am shushing you, my firstborn, setting you aside to run to brother’s aid as he needs me for the umpteenth time. I barely get you anymore. Our quiet time is so brief it rarely exists, for you want to be loud! It is your way of getting attention. Usually it is a naughty time to be loud, but it is your way of trying to find me.

When you go to bed and I come across your toy on my bureau, I miss you. I have always missed you when you sleep (though I am glad when you finally do go to sleep), but now it is different. It is a feeling of “I didn’t get enough of you today.” My heart sighs.

Now you are one of two. And the other is still too little to not end up with more of me.

Of course I want to sit with him, too. Revel in his babbles, gurgles, and breath-stopping looks through which he says, “I love you, Mama.” The sideways grin and eyes so focused and wide with a love that’s new, an expression so deep I have to stop to catch my breath and look, really look, back at him.

I love you both with the deepest love that could exist.

But I miss you. It used to be just you, my firstborn.

I miss coming to your aid when you are sad or sick or tumble. I want to run and scoop you up, hold you, and sway like we used to. My face in your neck as you cry or fret or simply take in Mama. I miss being the one you could always turn to.

Most days, I feel like I barely have enough for either of you. I want to love as I used to, with my full attention. But there is so much need so constantly that I struggle to have enough.

Perhaps all mothers with more than one child hope for an easier future of more time to give more to each one. Until that future, I have to start each now recognizing it uniquely holds so much change and growth for you both that I’ve got to just be here as much as I am able.

For now, I have to find whatever amount of me it is I’ve got to share between you.

But I still hope to someday feel like I have and am enough. I hope when you both are out of babyhood and toddlerhood and into more independence I’ll feel like I’ve got you each covered with my love, my time, and my attention. Until then, I miss you. I miss me. I miss us.

Owen 2 year update

First off holy cow how has it been 2 year with this amazing little boy? He is so loved, so happy, a conplete joy to be around. Seriously this kid can make us laugh. 

Now for stats:

Weight: 

Height:

Size: 18 and 24m tops, 12m shorts and 18m pants (12m too short and 18m huge in the waist) - 24m pajamas - 6 shoe

Teeth: all but 2 year molars but working on them

Signs: milk, water, all done, again, please, thank you, snoopy (floppy ears), dinosaur, sorry, cat, dog, bear, gorilla, bird, chicken, yogurt with sprinkles

Words: (will use) mom, hi, yeah, ouch, (won't use but has said and used in the past) dad, dog, fish, yes, 

Sounds: elephant, gorilla, monkey, pig, alligator, bear, lion, tiger, cat, dog, Dino, spot (from the good dinosaur), Leiland (aghhh), train, airplane, 

Foods: loves chicken, steak, potatoes, pretzels, veggie straws, popcorn, cheese, yogurt, grilled cheese, quasidilla, macaroni and cheese, peanut butter and jelly, butter, sour cream, ranch, won't eat veggies, fruits (occasionally will have a few grapes or some banana). 

So Owen is incredible active. He both loves interaction but is also good to go off and play for two hours by himself. He lives destroying the playroom by dumping anything he can. He is getting so good putting puzzles together and can do the 5 shape sorter toy great. He is really strong and great on the monkey bars. He runs everytime he needs to get somewhere. He would live outside if you let him lol. He really likes drawing lately and showing what he drew. He can blow bubbles most times and lives chasing them to pop them if he can be faster than Dexter. He's starting to play with Leiland more and when they are both in good moods it goes great. Owen follows Leiland all around though. 

He has started watching tv more he past couple months. He really likes paw patrol both on TV and the toys and books. He likes to watch blaze and the mo ster machines and gets so mad when Leiland puts on shimmer and shine. He also likes mickey but it's rarely his first choice. He's been watching on the iPad more and it is very helpful on long drives. He likes movies too. He could watch the good dinosaur on repeat and not complain. He loves arlo. He still likes the peanuts movie as well. 

Although owen doesn't talk many times he gets across what he's thinking. He's very expressive and had pick up some hand motions that help. Lots of glinting, grunting, aghhh, and ughhh. He gets so frustrated when he can't tell you what he means it right don't understand. Full blown fits if I don't understand or he can't have his way. Lots of fits have to do with him wanting junk food and me saying no or him wanting an open cup and I give him a sippy cup. I know what he wants its just not happening. Sadly I do give in sometimes because I'm just not wanting a major meltdown. 

He does get time outs at times for being purposely mean, throwing food, biting, and those sort of things. Acts that he knows better. Although he doesn't talk he definitely understands us. It's rare when he doesn't. 

Owen is very cuddle. So many snuggled from him. He hands out kisses like candy. Usually I get one on each cheek. He also makes his toys kiss me and kiss each other. Mickey and Minnie kiss a lot as do Charlie Brown and snoopy. He is so clingy to daddy these days. Even when not feeling well it's either all dad or back and forth between us. I absolutely love it. He does have conplete meltdowns when Tim goes to work though and that's not awesome. 

So I think that's all for now. I'll try to add pics from the computer later. Maybe a video or two. Tomorrow my little man Id 2. Just crazy. 

14 week update

Hello second trimester!!!!

Symptoms:

Uterus growing

Pee constantly

Eyes still very out of whack and need my glasses. 

Constipated (not as bad)

Itchy skin

Aside from that I don't really have any big signs of pregnancy lol. The nausea has passed, I'm not exhausted all the time. I still struggle to eat a lot of things but did manage to get half a chicken breast in last night. 

According to my app she is about the size of a lemon. That seems so big to me already. I swear with Leiland I was shocked how small he was when compared to fruit but seriously a lemon is a good size. 

I can't believe it's the second trimester and I know the time is going to fly by. Summer and pregnancy always do. I can't wait to feel little kicks from her. Hoping to feel them before Tim leaves. 

We're driving to Michigan for Easter and in really excited about that. I am showing. I feel huge in fact. I've gained about 10 pounds already. I've never gained that much this early on either. 

So pretty uneventful pregnancy over here right now. 

NT scan behind us

I don't know why but the last couple weeks I've been so anxious for this NT scan. Not nervous but not excited either. Worried I'd have a tech that wouldn't show me or tell me measurements. 

Well today was the scan and everything looks fantastic. Tim made it and the tech was amazing. Beyond amazing. She talked us through everything, discussed all the pictures and measurements she was talking. She answered all my questions and seemed incredible knowledgable. 

Baby looks great. Hb was 169 and baby was kicking and flailing all around. I'm sure I won't have another ultrasound till 20 weeks again so it was good to see the babe. 

Here's a quick pick of little smushy. It seems odd to me that the bead still seems so over rounded and chin tucked in. I don't remember that with the boys. 

Maternity 21 results

Today I got a notice that the hospitals online system had a message for me. I love the system because they can email me about things and visa versa.

SO I logged in to see what it was. Turns out its the results from the Maternity 21 test (panorama test actually).

So form what they can see everything looks great. Im so excited to hear this. But just as I thought the councilor told me that Ruths issues likely wouldn't show on this type of test and could only be confirmed with the amnio like we did with Ruth where we paid to do the CMA testing. NO worries this is till great news. I will feel much more comfortable after I do the NT scan next week on Wednesday.

The other news is now we know the gender. I couldn't be more excited to know we are having a little GIRL!!!!

11ish week update

11 weeks - it kinda feels crazy to be 11 1/2 weeks already. I have really started feeling better lately. As nausea subsides in rolls food aversions. I really struggle to eat meat and vegetables right now. Fruit and carbs are my goto. Im not starving yet but do have to eat regularly or I get nauseous.

Symptom Check:

• Very emotional - everything makes me cry (songs, shows new and old, conversations, misunderstandings)
• Bits of nausea but significantly better the past couple weeks
• Constipation - the worst I've ever experienced - causing a hard protruding stomach
• Acne - terrible horrible acne - could be because of what I'm eating
• Sore nipples
• Tender breasts
• Pee all the time - seriously more then I remember at the end of pregnancy with the boys

Im glad to be feeling better. I am looking pregnant - way further than I should look. I think it has a lot to do with being bloated form the carbs (all I can stomach) and constipation. I haven't taken a belly pic yet and feel like I should. 

Leiland really interested in the baby. He loved when I read to him and tell him whats changing for the baby right now. I like showing him how big the baby is. This week its a lime. He's going to be so excited. He talks about how I eat and drink to help the baby grow. He seems to understand so much. Owen loved to kiss and hug my belly. He's been so clingy lately and just wants to be on top of me.

This week I experienced some slight bleeding/ spotting. It was first thing in the morning when I first went to the bathroom. It was in the mucus when I wiped. I went again a short bit later and there was a little more but not as much and nothing since. Ive been cramping but I just kind of attribute it to the constipation and belly aches. 

I love laying in bed holding my tummy. I can feel my uterus growing and I can feel a hard lump where I assume the baby sits. I'm still a little in shock that I am pregnant. I am blown away that this happened on its own. I'm so incredibly excited about this baby and how life is going to change in just 6 1/2 months. Its going to fly by.

6 is weeks and first ultrasound

Today is about 6 weeks based on ovulation.

Yesterday was my first ultrasound to measure me and to date the pregnancy. The tech was super nice and Tim was running late so Owen sat up on the table with me. He was so good too. She showed me the sac. It was measuring right at 6 weeks 2 days (accurate to my last period) and shows me how there is a very very small blob in there. Too small to even measure. No heartbeat is seen.

Tim did make it before the thing was over which made Owens day. But the time I got home I was so nauseous. Now on top of this I am also sick. My throat is killing me, Im exhausted. I was super shaky and light headed when I stood up. By late evening I was EXHAUSTED.

Trying to take the nausea as a good sign and that maybe the baby is just slow growing and Im not as far along as they would expect based on my period. Very possible.

Today they called with the results. They just said that there was a sac that measured at 6 weeks and no fetus or heartbeat were detected. Ugh I feel like I got punched in the gut. My heart just sank. They said they want to do another scan in about 10 days but I have to wait for them to call back to schedule it. Yesterday I still felt hopeful but today I just feel empty as though my chances of it working in my favor are slim to none. It just reminds me all too much of what happened back in 2012 when I had that miscarriage. I didn't document it very well so I really am unsure when I started spotting with that or what any of my HCG levels were.

Im kinda frustrated the dr didn't run HCG betas this time and am half tempted to ask for them now. The waiting game just sucks.

What a surprise

I'm in complete shock over here. Since Tuesday I've been cramping but off and on. So yesterday when my period still hadn't started I took a test. I only had digi tests that were free to me. I didn't not expect it to read pregnant.

Complete shock. 

Seriously I haven't gotten pregnant on my own since 2004. SHOCKED!!!! 

Tim was still sleeping so I woke him to show him. I asked if he could read that. His response was no but I'm guessing it says your pregnant. Yes sir indeed I am. I am pregnant. I had to wake him because I couldn't contain my excitement and had to tell my mom and sister. 

Today however I took a first response test. I'm a line girl. I need to see how dark the lines are and how quickly they appear. They were instant. As soon as the pee reached where the line was bam there was a line. 

Above right away.

Below after a few minutes 

We've told a lot of family so far and several friends. I have a really good feeling about this all. 

We haven't told the kids. Owen wouldn't understand but Leiland would. He's still convinced I need to "get working on making him a sister." Im trying little man I really am. I want to see an ob and maybe get an ultrasound to show the heartbeat before I give him the news. I'd love to record us telling him because I want to see his reaction over and over. 

So what changed? Seriously. I've had horrendous periods for months. The past few they've gotten much better. Just after thanksgiving I began working out and tracking everything I eat. I've lost some weight and overall think I'm healthier. I think this is why I got pregnant. I had hopes of this but did t expect it to happen so quickly. I punched in my ovulation date from using my Ovacue monitor (December 31, 2015) and it puts me due September 22, 2016. 

I still am in shock. Yesterday I could not stop smiling and hugging these beautiful boys. 

Praying for a baby that sticks. Healthy

Since its a holiday weekend I just need to wait till Tuesday (tomorrow) to call and try to get in asap for bloodwork.

I must say seeing the results of the Chinese gender prediction makes me smile a little. We shall see what comes of it. 

The life of puppy

So puppy. Leilands favorite thing. Here is how we came about being so in love with this little pup. 

October 2013

While wandering the IKEA near mall of America in Minnesota we approached the xhildrens section. Leiland saw in a display a single brown and white beagle like dog he liked. He pointed and pleaded. I told him we couldn't take that one but we would look for more. 

We found the stuffed animals and had to look hard but finally found the pile and he chose his pick of the litter. 

The entire trip in Minnesota and he would take "puppy" everywhere. Leilands very literal when it comes to naming things. 

Months go by and he still is so glued to puppy. He's never had a lovey and I'm shocked this started so late. 

Puppy goes almost everywhere including yosemite in June 2014. 

July 2014 we drive to Michigan. 

Night one in the hotel and I carry sleeping kids in and Tim goes back for the bags. Grabs puppy since Leiland is awake. The next day we leave without puppy. I didn't see him but I also hadn't been looking. We realize it once in Michigan so I call the hotel. Puppy has been found. Hooray the hotel is mailing it to us. 

Leiland is overjoyed to have puppy back and think he got it from James and kayla since it arrived at their house. Whatever he's back. 

Over the next several months puppy still is the main guy but not so attached we have to take it. 

In the fall I decide to order a back up terrified we will lose him and of course he's no longer sold. 

Sometime in February 2015

Leiland gets in trouble for the umpteenth time and so I go in and toss all his stuffed animals off the bed. Including puppy at least I think. A couple days pass and he looks for puppy and can't find him. Looks everywhere and I tell him I'll find it. I do some cleaning and no puppy. I tell Leiland when we pack he will have to show up. No puppy. So then we move and I'm surprised how well he's taking it. But I have the backup I'd bought. 

June 2015

I get an email from eBay of another puppy for sale and it's a good deal. On a whim I order it. It arrives and I let Leiland open it. He is overjoyed. He's so happy the mail lady found it and brought him back. 

Leiland is more attached then I'd ever seen and he's taking puppy everywhere. One day at nap he decides not to sleep and changes puppy's name to zyla. Like xylophone. 

Here we are almost August and puppy is glued to Leiland every day most of the day. To stores. Library. At the counter when he eats. And must be in bed at nap and night. Attached. With how well he did losing it I'm shocked how attached he now is. 

I do have the back-up up stored in my craft room just in case. I'm still sad we lost the original though and can't fathom where it went. But puppy aka zyla rejoined the family and I love seeing Leiland happy to have him. I cherish the bond they have even if it is a stuffed animal. 

What's really cute is if Leiland leaves it in another room Owen will get it if he sees and take it to Leiland. So precious.  

The worst part of moving

Yup! We've moved again. Twice actually. This will explain my crazy delayed posts. I will update soon. 

Unpacking is no fun. Everyone knows that. In the past I was a very organized packer. I wrote the room on the box in two places and listed the crucial contents under the room on the top flaps. Easy enough. Only on the last few days were things just thrown in. Every move we have a handful of boxes that just linger. Non essentials that I just couldn't part wit or things I couldn't find a logical spit for. Military paperwork, office supplies, picture frames I'm not ready to hang yet, or baby items for the next kid. You get the idea. Then we went to Maryland in 2012 and stayed 6 months. We had less than a month to pack and move. Top that off with Tim would be gone so it was me and our almost 2 year old. Right. Not happening. So we hired movers and paid them to pack is. It was amazing. I was nervous I wouldn't have a clue where anything was but hoped it would help me unack faster. 

Fast forward. I learned that throwing things willy billy in boxes wasn't as crazy as I imagined. It got unpacked mostly because I needed to find things. So the next move I took the same approach. Get everything in a box. Label if you can. 

Fast forward to this move. Not only did I pack this stuff over a year ago it's labeled so poorly I can't find even some essential crucial items. I have come across things I desperately missed and things I needed. But then there are things still missing. That's the hardest part. I'd say 85% is u packed. It's still chaos in here but it's progress. So how do you unpack? There is a process at least for me. 

1. Essentials to live - sheets, towels, clothes for a week, soaps, dishes, silverwear, and stock the pantry. Once that's finished there is a slight slow down to adjust. 

2. Kids room. It's the easiest place to u pack and organize. 

3. Furniture to designated spots

4. Move boxes to the room they supposedly belong and keep in mind we've moved multiple times with the same boxes. 

5. The real essentials. This means anything that needs the perfect place. For me it's the master and the kitchen. It's the items you need unpacked before you get to the items but these items get first dibs on space. Dishes, cups, silverwear, cookie sheets, that sort of thing. The other things get the leftover space. Things like those chocolate molds, the pitcher we use twice a year, and the collection of thermal lunch boxes. 

6. The missing items. This is the tricky one. It's usually something that when you're settling in you find it necessary to find but nowhere in sight. It's something g that you expect is labelled on the box but you can't locate it. We once had a box mysteriously vanish. It had my silverwear. At times I'd remember other items in the box but the most Important was the silverwear in the silverwear tray bit was at the top of the box too. It never showed up. I had to buy new silverwear (got the same stuff so it would match when this box was finally found but that never happened) and a new tray that has never been as perfect as that one that was lost. 

This move I struggled to find the silverwear and now I can't find my george Forman. The kitchen item I used 3-4 times a week. So once it's not found labelled on the right box you start opening all boxes from that room. You quickly look through all hoping to spit it. Then when it still doesn't show you start emptying them sure you missd it. Before long you've opened and emptied (into piles of course) all the boxes to find you still can't find this crucial item. Ugh. What next? You begin looking in all the boxes you didn't plan to open just yet. Like the picture frames. Those are all unpacked now and still no george Forman. How about in the office box? Nope. 

6. Slowly you condense boxes, throw away thing you can't comprehend why you even packed it, and start the dreaded process of donate piles. Yay. 

And yet I am 85-90% unpacked I still have missing items. It's so frustrating because I can look at every box, and even inside most and say nope no way it's in there but then I run out of boxes. This is how I unpack. This is why I hate unpacking and feel it's the worst part of moving. It's a disaster as I look for space for all my crap and try to find important things. My george foreman is still MIA as as some bowls and kitchen utensils for my kitchen. No clue where my bible ended up, and the remote and power cord for the living room tv weren't in the box. Yay. Oh yeah and the wall mounting kit for the living room is missing too. Although maybe that's a good hing because I still can't decide which walk I want to mount it and I don't want to have to do it twice. You j ow since we already pained. 

Reposting from another blogger

http://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/i-wish-someone-wouldve-warned-me-about-these-big-feelings

I Wish Someone Would've Warned Me About These BIG FEELINGS

Jen Hatmaker

I quit my job to stay home when I had my second baby just after her big brother turned two. Those first few months as a SAHM to two were, let’s say, mildly traumatizing (I am underselling this). I used to call my husband Brandon at 1:30pm and ask, Are you almost done with work? and he was all It’s 1:30 and I was like YOU DIDN’T ANSWER THE FREAKING QUESTION. ARE YOU ON YOUR WAY HOME OR SHOULD I CALL 911 TO COME HELP ME MANAGE THESE TWO BABIES????? Because no one told us not to, we added a third two years later and were ruled by a tiny army we created.

Three babies in four years. 

It was a whole thing. 

​These pics are terrible because it was the late 90's and THIS WAS THE BEST WE COULD DO. Also, we cut our original pictures and scrapbooked them all. I need therapy. 

I wish I would have known how new babies make all feelings MORE (and this from a girl who was already fairly high on melodrama): more thrill, more love, more anguish, more adoration, more fear, more gratitude, more doubt, more crazy. You may have been an emotionally sturdy professional just a minute ago, but a newborn takes your heart and mind, squishes them into pulp in her fat little baby hands, and turns you into a woman face down in despair over a Subaru commercial. Who is this sloppy woman in the mirror? Good lord, put on some clean pants and get your crap together! 

I remember a watershed moment the second year of staying home with the littles. Brandon came home from his glamorous job (“glamour” here meaning “out of the house”) and found me at the kitchen table, staring blankly like a poet. Or perhaps a serial killer. The kids? Not sure. I want to say they were…upstairs? Or in the backyard? They were somewhere on the property. My gosh, I wasn’t in the FBI. 

Brandon, speaking slowly, like to a lunatic: 

“Um, hi. You, uh, you okay there?” 

“Fine. Everything is fine. Except that I’ve turned dumb. It’s fine.”
“What?”
“Dumb. Now you have a dumb wife. I used to be smart. I watched CNN. Did you know that I went to college and graduated with honors?”
“I did know that because I met and married you there. Remember?” 
“Well, sorry for your loss, because now I’m dumb. I sing the theme song to Blue’s Clues when the kids aren’t even around. That’s what I do now. I eat their leftover bread crusts off the floor. I can’t remember our Vice President. I told our neighbor I was 29.”
“You’re 27.”
“Thank you FOR CONFIRMING THE DIAGNOSIS, MR. FANCY JOB.” 

Some days were very much like that. Raising the littles was sometimes the most frustrating, boring, numbing, exhausting, lonely job I’d ever had. But also, opposite. 

The Feels were all big, including the good ones. As I type this, I can literally recall how their chubby little cheeks felt against my lips; I kissed them hundreds of times a day. I remember exactly how my heart surged seeing a smiling, white-haired baby standing at the crib rails, squealing at the sight of me. I precisely remember all their first steps; I was there, cheering and laughing and holding out my arms to the first son at 12-months, the girl tot at 13-months, and of course the “spirited” baby at 9-months. 

When I could push through the Big Exhaustion and Big Guilt, I tapped into something more healthy: Big Pride. Every night with three precocious littles fed, bathed, read to, rocked, snuggled, and tucked into bed, I felt like some sort of damn warrior princess. Who can handle this many babies and toddlers all day?? APPARENTLY I CAN. (And if I managed to also have sex that night? I felt like a viable candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize for my contributions to humanity.)

You can too, Young Mama. The new mom brain can be a real enemy, saying you are not enough and falling apart and a hot mess. But look at your children. Their shoes are on the correct feet, at least one has combed hair, those round bellies are clearly well-fed, and peek in their little eyes: lot of light in there, Mom. Those are the eyes of loved, cherished, cared-for babies. You’re doing it. You are raising whole humans, healthy and happy and safe. 

Can I tell you what happens next? 

First, you will get your groove back. Your dumbness will abate. Your brain returns and it comes back wiser and way less judgmental. (Except for that older lady in the store as my toddler pitched an epic fit for Count Chocula cereal: “My children never behaved that way.” HOW NICE FOR YOU AND MAY I OFFER MY CONDOLENCES TO YOUR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.) Not us, gals. We get it now. We love all the young moms behind us. We buy their wine on airplanes and encourage them in Target as their tot takes off his pants and streaks down the aisle. We tell them how our 2-year-old once bit her Sunday School teacher and drew blood and assure them easier days are ahead. 

And they are! 

Well, easier in most ways. Guess what? Kids grow up and pee-pee on the potty! They make their own sandwiches! They wash their own hair! They go to school for seven hours a day. I’m serious. The nonstop physical parenting slows down. The daily marathon relents. They stop biting their teachers. 

But I have some bad news too. These little ones? You fall even more madly in love as every year passes. That part doesn’t get any better. Subaru commercials are still out to kill us. The Big Feelings stay big, especially the tender ones. Your brain becomes useful again, but the kids grow up and you cannot stop it. That beautiful 3-year-old you’re tucking into bed? Blink and you’ll be sending him to Driver’s Ed. I swear to the heavens.

Let me tell you about Big Feelings: my oldest son, the one who took his first step into my arms at 12-months, is wrapping up his junior year. One more year and he launches. I can hardly speak of it. It went so fast. People told me it would and I didn’t believe them, but here we are in the home stretch; the finish line is near. The Family Years are waning and it literally takes my breath. (Brandon says they are just growing up, not dying, but I’ll cry about it IF I WANT TO.) 

I’ll tell you something most moms don’t: teenagers are mostly awesome. Sure, you also want to strangle them of course, but they are funny and smart and interesting, and this teen stage is totally my jam. It’s not all great (this exact minute my husband and son are inspecting a fence he plowed over hot-rodding through puddles with his best friend last night), but no stage of parenting is all great. Young Mama, set that future fear aside. You will adore that baby when he is one and eight and thirteen and donning his cap and gown. 

​So what I wish I would have known before bringing that first son home? The baby years are short, kind of like five minutes…underwater. It doesn’t seem like it, but he will go on to kindergarten then read the Harry Potter series then join the “ninja club” in middle school then play high school soccer and rent his first tux for prom and run over a fence in his truck, and near the end, you will hit your knees and thank God that you got to parent this kid, that he was yours, that he walked into your arms at one and will walk out of them at eighteen, but my gosh…what a gift. I wouldn’t trade one day of Big Feelings, because the good ones far outweigh the hard ones, and the one that endures above all else is Big, Big, Big Love. ​

“There goes my baby,

Like the sun falling out of the clear blue sky.

There goes my baby, 

Bye-bye, Baby, good-bye…”

~Trisha Yearwood