its getting worse

The darn baby fever. I usually don't have an issue around kids. I mean I think about wanting one but it doesn't hurt my mood. Well I'm staying with some friends who have two kids and its really hard. I mean we were trying before they got pregnant with their first (one month trying) and now they have a surprise second. I mean I am happy for people usually but that doesn't stop me from being angry with our situation.

I'm just so sick of the dr's, the timed sex, the emphasis on all the aches and twinges, people asking if were pregnant, and the utter disappointment I feel every month. I've given up any hope of ever getting pregnant. I start to wonder if I was ever meant to be a mom. If not then what am I supposed to do in life. I just feel sheer emptiness inside, a complete void in my life. I just dread the call for my sisters call, telling she is pregnant. I can't handle it anymore.

Even though I know stress doesn't help I can't stop. I am on "vacation" right now and that emptiness hit me today. Being around other kids just got to me finally. I think its mostly because people know I can't get pregnant and they complain about there kids to me. I don't know what they are thinking. Do they think it will make me not want kids? No way it just makes me sad. I would gladly take that.

Who knows anymore.

I just want someone I can talk to about it.