Stange symptom

So people always ask the new mom what they were never told to expect during pregnancy. So far I haven't had an issue because I read a lot of books. But this one is new to me.

So I am 16 weeks and 1 day, and I am leaking out both my boobs. My shirt was wet because I wasn't wearing a bra. At first I thought it was from doing dishes or washing my hands. Well its not, its definitely m boobs leaking. Agh what else will surprise me.

First BOY buys

So today I was trying to really grasp that we are having a little boy. It just seems so surreal. So I went to kohls and bout two winter outfits in 6-9 months, and I also bought a newborn or 0-3 summer outfit on clearance. Then at Target I bought a little teething toy, pacifier clip, crinkle soft book, two blankets, and I couldn't be more excited. I am still nervous, but its starting to sink in.

Here are the pics.

15 weeks 5 day ultrasound

Look how freaking cute this little one is, I love how many shots we got. And the HB was at 143 bpm

Oh crap, what have I done?

I have been cleaning the house today preparing to leave for a vacation. I cleaned the bathroom, then did some stuff downstairs. I went back up to vacuum the upstairs so I could bring down the vacuum and do the downstairs. While I was vacuuming I noticed a stain at the food of the bed. No biggie, but was surprised because I hadn't seen it before. The windows were open, so I think that is why I could see it. Anyway, I put some hot water on it, then I sprayed the carpet cleaner and let it sit. I did more cleaning downstairs, and about an hour later went to steam clean it up. But its now a big red/ white spot. HOLY crap!!! I then realized that my carpet cleaner and my bathroom cleaner are both in a freaking yellow spray bottle similar in size. What the crap am I going to do now? Ugh pregnancy brain is kicking my butt these days.

So now I have bleached carpet, in a rental, in the 3rd largest room in the house. I can't believe I did that. I never have the bathroom cleaner out, and I never thought because the carpet cleaner is always out. And it was, it was in the hallway, not the bathroom. Ugh.

Anyone know if you can recolor carpet??? I am willing to try anything, I have already ruined it.

Sign of things to come

I am a little worried, a new "symptom" I have heard of seems to be making its appearance a little too early for me. I have been sneezing like crazy lately, and yesterday I sneezed twice in a row. I couldn't help it but during the second sneeze I piddled a little.

Ive read that this is normal, but really, at 13 weeks? Seems really early to me. I guess its just a sign of the things to come. Its going to be a LONG winter if I keep sneezing and get any sort of cough.

Second Trimester

Today is the first official day of the second trimester. I can't believe we have made it this far. Its kinda shocking. I have to say this day isn't as reassuring to me as the great NT scan. But happy I am to have made it this far. I also think hearing the HB on Monday really helped calm my fears as well. So now we have a countdown to the 16 week mar which was my first loss. Thats not as important anymore, but it is a milestone.

Next OB appt isn't till November 17th. Yeah.


I finally heard the HB on my doppler at home. Surprisingly it didn't take me too long to find, and its still really quiet. But it was there. Its such a relief to be able to hear the jelly bean anytime I want.

The display on it is a little weird. I am not sure I can trust the readout as to what the HB is registering at. But thats ok, I am just happy to hear it.

So Frustrated

So I took my car in today for the 5th time to get it fixed. Still I wasn't too frustrated about this, I sit at home all day. I drop it off expecting it to be yet another 3 hour appt. No the guy calls to say they need to keep it till tomorrow. Umm that won't work, I have an appt I have to leave for at 6:40am to meet my perinatologist. I had a genetic appt with them. Ok so they send their driver to take me to Enterprise to get a free rental. No problem, right?

So wrong! First they make me wait forever because they INSIST on putting me in a freaking Nissan since that is who is paying for the rental. I could care less what car you give me I just want to go about m day. Wrong, oh so wrong. The first car they give me, a Ford Focus. and it was not even close to a nice one. Fine. I drive back to the dealership to get some things I need for my day today and tomorrow. Then I notice a big bulge in the tire. I can't drive that to my appt, its way too far and not safe. So I return it for a different car. They give me a freaking old Honda Accent I think. Tiniest car ever, no automatic locks, mirrors, or windows. Ok I am not a snob, but I drive a 2009 Nissan Altima. Nothing great but its a decent car. I would expect at least that of a rental. And to top it all off, it REEKED!!!!! Seriously I wanted to vomit and I don't even have extra sensitive smell right now. Honestly it had to be the worst ever BO I have ever smelled.

Ok so I go to the library to take care on one errand. I then call my peri and try to reschedule. They can't. They are full and to do the appt its like an NT where you only have so much time. They can't fit me in and there is NO way in hell Iam driving this thing there and wanting to puke the whole time. So I took the stupid car back to Enterprise, didn't pay a penny, and went home.

So now I am home, had to cancel my appt that I can't reschedule or go to, and I am so frustrated with my emotions because this shouldn't make me cry so much.

NT Scan - 12 weeks 2 days

So, we finally had the dreaded but exciting NT scan.

I chose to go back to the same dr this time because he was so nice last time when we found out the bad news with Ruth. This time Tim was able to join me, and we were both really excited to see the baby.

So we arrived by using our new GPS for the first time, I am so in love with that thing already. We parked with no issues, and this time I knew where to go. Except I totally missed the office RIGHT in front of the elevator. Kind of funny. Anyway, so I filled out all the paperwork, they even had my old OB in there, so we had to redo some of it. No biggie, but it was a sign that they remembered I have been there in the past. So the paperwork got done and we just sat and waited or turn.

When we were called back, I was given some more info to fill out, and the nurse explained that I needed to empty my bladder (already did) and to undress from the waist down. She looked as though she was ready to leave, so I nervously requested a sheet. She grabbed one, and explained it again, along with how to lay on the table. I think I can handle that. Anyway, so I get up on the table and we waited for the dr. When he arrived he was talking about something and I mentioned being here for our daughters NT scan. And they both looked so puzzled. They asked if it was this office, which I replied yes, then he asked when, and I said this past February. So he stared at his nurse in a "why did you not know this" sort of lok, and she pulled up my old file. I was a little frustrated, but whatever. So she read his notes off too him.

He started with the abdominal ultrasound and right away I could see the heart beating. First good thing. Then as he got to the profile, I immediately noticed how small the babies fluid was behind the neck. I was smiling SO big at this point. (and I am not one to plaster a smile on). SO he measures it and it was 1.4mm in the first measurement and 1.6mm in the second measurement. Either way, BOTH amazing numbers. Ruth measured 4.55mm on the second scan of hers when we did the CVS. AMAZING news. We could both breath good again.

So the rest of the exam we just watched our little bean. We only heard the HB for a few seconds. The dr moved SO quick this time that we were probably only in there about 5 minutes total (ultrasound time). Either way, this baby appears healthy and that is the best news ever.

On to some pictures

First Stretch Mark

From this baby at least. I have had stretch marks since I was a teen, and whatever it is what it is. I don't wear a bikini or ever show my body where they are (butt, boobs, hips, and stomach). My thighs are the only place they bother be. But my very first one from this baby has begun showing. Its just a tiny purple dot on my right outter hip/ thigh. Its so cute all its own. I haven't had purple ones since probably 18 so it stands out as being the new one. But its still so tiny as it should be at this age. But I am prone to stretch marks, so I have surrendered that I will have them. Its ok with me.

Another dream

I can't help it, but EVERY morning I wake up after having yet another strange dream. I had to get up at 5:30 with Tim this morning, so it isn't as in depth as usual, but funny still the same.

So in this dream I had the baby, it was a girl, and she was born on May 1st. Then I had to go back to school to graduate (high school) before I could stay home with her. It was funny to me.

How you feel with a miscarriage

I read this post by someone else today, and it really hit home, so I have to share it.

The One
I've been really trying to put a label on my feelings the past couple of days. (As my husband has said before, I always over-think things!) I can't figure out why I was fine shortly after finding out I had miscarried (by that afternoon I seemed to be logical, rational, and accepting of what had happened.) We went on about the weekend as if it were any other. But then Monday, after the D&C, it hit me. Not sure WHAT hit me, but something did. Hormones, I guess. Here's the best way I can describe how it feels, at least for me. I'm sure everyone feels differently.

I would describe my sadness as the kind you feel after a break up. Not just any break up, tho. The kind where you were sure that person was the one. You have planned and dreamed in your head all the details: The wedding, the dog you're going to buy together, how you will decorate your first home, the vacations you will take, the children you will have with that person. You have told all of your friends and family about the one, and they are all in love with him too.

Then you realize that the person you loved, the one you imagined spending the rest of your life with, is not the one for you. You know that you cannot change them. You cannot change the outcome of the relationship that is on the brink of failure. You accept that you must move on, you accept that it just wasn't meant to be. You take down all his pictures, you go out with your friends and assure them (and yourself) that you are FINE. But in the back of your mind... you wonder, Was it something I did? Something I said? What if....? But it's too late, they are already gone. Their stuff is moved out, their phone number is changed, they are gone.

The days go by. You are confident that one day, you will find the one that is truly meant to be in your arms. But you still wake up every morning and roll over, expecting that person to be there, and they are not. You feel that emptiness, that reminder that this is really real. They are the last thing you think about as you fight your way to sleep. Throughout your day, you find yourself looking ahead on the calendar at dates that were marked to include that person. You have to get a new planner because you wrote it all in pen. When you show up to your cousin's destination wedding alone, you remind yourself how much more miserable you would have been taking someone who was no longer the one. Yet you dread telling people that it's over when they inevitibly ask how things are going with the one.

Does all that make any sense at all???

One day, I will wake up and my empty (yet muffin-topped) belly won't be the first thing I think about. One day, I will be awakened by the cry of a new baby, and I won't be able to imagine having any other baby than THAT one (besides Brax, of course.) THAT will be the one that is meant for me to hold. That will be the one that I will repaint the ugly green spare bedroom for. That baby will be the one to go to Disney World with us, to be in our dorky Christmas card picture, to steal Brax's crib from him. I will get thru the holidays and events that I thought would include this baby, knowing how heartbreaking they would have been if this baby had been born unhealthy and then taken from me later. I will love and hold and cherish my little boy, and let his greasy, naked, full-body hugs heal my heart.

Another weird dream

I am another very weird dream last night. Tim and I were in the store shopping for a twin back carrier. Ive never seen one in person, so I don't actually think they make them. Anyway, the whole dream was us walking the baby store with him trying out twin gear. Mostly strollers and carriers. This carrier was a MONSTER. But it was pretty cool at the same time.

I just think its funny because we've already had two ultrasounds confirm just one baby, yet I had a dream of twins...

Baby Wash Cloth Tutorial

I can't take credit for this, I just searched around, but it seems easy enough to do, so Ill give it a try, and try to photograph along the way.

TUTORIAL: How to Make a Simple Baby Wash Cloth (Handmade Holiday Gift Idea #1)
Here's an easy to sew baby wash cloth that will surely be appreciated. A mother with a baby can never have too much of these! One wash cloth takes only a few minutes to can definitely make a bunch in just one sitting.

How to Make a Simple Baby Wash Cloth

Requirements (for one 11" x 11" baby wash cloth):
11 1/2" by 11 1/2" cotton flannel in baby colours and prints
11 1/2" by 11 1/2" light coloured cotton towelling
6" coordinating ribbon (1/2" wide)
matching thread
materials for applique (optional): small piece of flannel print, iron-on adhesive
basic sewing skills

How to:

1. Prepare your materials. Round off corners of both flannel and backing fabric.

Tip: You can also use store-bought face washers for your backing. Those are inexpensive, come in a variety of colours and are usually thicker than ordinary cotton towelling.

2. Lay your cotton towelling square right side up. Fold ribbon in half and position diagonally on the upper right hand corner of your fabric, as shown below.

3. Place flannel square on top, wrong side up. Pin all layers in place, making sure your ribbon stays in its proper placement. Stitch all around using a 1/4" seam allowance, leaving about a 2" gap in the bottom center edge for turning.

4. Turn wash cloth to its right side, push out the corners and press well. Slipstitch the opening closed. Topstitch all around, about 1/4" from the edges.

5. Optional applique: Cut out your desired flannel print design in whatever shape or size you want (Mine is a 2 1/2" diameter circle). Follow the manufacturer's instructions on how to use the iron-on adhesive (I used Heat 'n' Seal - Lite so fabric remains soft). Position your applique near the bottom right corner of your wash cloth. Sew in place using a medium width and small length zigzag stitch.

That's it, you're all done! Too easy, wasn't it? And how cute is that? Now go and make some more!

By the way, if you noticed, the title of this post says 'Handmade Holiday Gift Idea #1'. This should mean there would be a #2, #3 and so on. Hopefully, I will be able to follow through in the coming days and weeks before Christmas!

Have fun!

Still struggling

So I am still struggling to get attached to this little bean inside me. I love it and I pray every night this bean will be ok. But I still just don't feel excited yet. I know its mostly fear of something being wrong again. I am 10 weeks and 1 day now, and my NT scan is in 2 weeks and 1 day. Im nervous, but hopeful. Its odd really. I can't help the fear of something being wrong even though I feel like everything is fine. It seems backwards.

On a good note, I am all finished with my Progesterone shots. Its kind of nice, now I just need to wait for the feeling to come back into m butt cheeks.

Cute clothes

Ive bought both of these girl ones, thinking we are having a little girl.

Coming Home Outfits

So I have been looking a LOT lately into some coming home outfits. I want it to be special. These are some favorites right now. So far I haven't seen a lot of boy stuff I like.

8 Week Ultrasound

Today's ultrasound went perfectly. I am measuring EXACTLY 8w0d. I was measuring a few days behind at the 6 week appointment, so this is really good. The baby is 16.79mm and the HB was 174 BPM. Couldn't be more excited. So I don't think I need to see my RE any more, which is good and sad.

I am going to call tomorrow (if I can remember) to schedule my NT scan and possibly CVS. I have to wait till I am 11-12 weeks, but I need to schedule asap so it works for us.

Also, I asked the RE to make his "guess" on baby gender, and he is on team girl, so he thinks just like us.

Congratulations - This baby is a Fetus

Veins are very visible beneath your fetus' skin and fingers and toes are forming now during this week of pregnancy. Your fetus is developing intestines, although amazingly enough—they are developing outside of your baby's body and in the umbilical cord. When your baby is big enough, they will move inside the body where they belong!!

You are 2 months pregnant already! Some of your clothes may begin to feel a bit tight during this week of pregnancy, and you may notice that you have already started to gain weight. Most doctors recommend that during pregnancy, women should gain between 20-30 pounds. Watch your diet closely and make sure that you are getting adequate nutrition to nourish both you and your baby during your pregnancy.

- - How amazing, my little peanut has arms and legs growing. 2 months pregnant seems crazy to say too. I am so excited to see my peanut on the next ultrasound.

The bigger the investment the greater the return

This is a statement I heard when watching tv. I heard it in passing about something or another. Not important, just words. Except the moment I heard it I was in tears. Salty wet drops flooding my eyes and wetting my cheeks.

Over the past years we have been through SO many hard times. Month after month of periods showing and not getting pregnant. I got out of the military in hopes of getting pregnant right away and being a stay at home mom. But it didn't happen, so I went to school. I took every class I could and I built my business. Still no baby. Then it was time for fertility dr's, tests, and more disappointment. At this point we live in terms of months. What cycle number is this? And if I get pregnant this month, when will my baby be born.

But I know, deep down, when this little bean I am carrying is born, the return will be magnificent. I won't take motherhood for granted. I will love with all my heart. My heart will finally be full with this one thing my life has revolved around for years. However, until this baby is safe in my arms, I can't rejoice in that return just yet. I'm still holding my breath, waiting to see if this is really happening. I believe it is, but as we have seen you can never be sure. So while I have little angels above watching over this baby, I still wait.

And I am SO excited and ready for that day when I can cash in my chips and be a survivor of infertility. This doesn't mean I won't need IVF again, but it will mean that I made it. All the way, I will be a mom.

Down the Road of Bittersweet - Karl Kohlhase Lyrics

What an amazing song,I had to share this.

We had some good news and some bad news on a cold November morn
The test confirmed that we were parents, but there was something more
Our little boy had complications, and we were frightened as could be
But we decided to go walking down the road of bittersweet

The next nine months we grew together, somehow closer than before
And our faith began to blossom into something more
We would hold each other close and pray, then cry ourselves to sleep
We knew that God was walking with us down the road of bittersweet

Jesus, take my hand and walk beside me
And make my footsteps firm beneath my feet
I know You’ve gone this way before so guide me
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road of bittersweet

The room was filled with apprehension on the day that he was born
But when I took him in my arms I knew there was so much more
There was a bond of love between us, and I was never more complete
I never knew I’d find such blessing down the road of bittersweet

The doctor said we may not have much time before we’d have to part
So I treasure every moment deep within my heart
Soon we’ll have a little angel, praying for our family
I’m just glad I got to meet him down the road of bittersweet

Jesus, take my hand and walk beside me
And make my footsteps firm beneath my feet
I know You’ve gone this way before so guide me
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road of bittersweet

6 week ultrasound and car trouble

First off, you have to know it takes us an hour and a half to drive to the dr office. So anyway, we got there on time, and we were out in 10 minutes. Works for me since you have to pay for parking.

Baby is measuring 2.29mm (5weeks, 5days) and the HB was a strong one at 113 bpm *we weren't able to hear, but Dr Q could measure it. That made us BOTH feel great.

Then there was the rest of the evening. A little back story. I have had a slow leak lately, so Tim told me to purchase some fix a flat, and yesterday morning he put it in and drive my car to work. I had his truck for its oil change. We take my car everywhere, so when he got home from work, we pumped the tire to be sure it was full enough. Drove and had no problems. Then when we backed out of the parking space, it sounded funny/ My tire completely deflated and fell off the rim. Luckily we were in a safe place (its LA) and so we backed back into our space. We pulled the spare out and Tim started working on changing it. While he did that, I started looking for a place to get a new tire. He was able to work through 3 of the lug nuts, but the last two weren't budging. And the crappy tool that comes with the jack began to mushroom as the pressure bent the metal. It was no longer tight around the lug nuts, becoming useless. We were both getting frustrated, but at this point, there was nothing he could do. Even if he did get it off, how would he tighten the spare on?

So we called our insurance roadside assistance, they send a tow truck out to change the tire. In this time we located a Big O Tire shop that was sending a guy out to get us a tire. $160 for a new tire, ouch. So we waited. The tow truck guy came, but in the mean time, Tim got one more lug nut lose. The tow truck guy filled us in on how not goof the fix a flat stuff is, and its only meant for 50 miles till you fix your tire. I had no idea. But while we waited, we did find a nail puncturing my tire.

So the guy pulls out his tools, and what I refer to as the "Nascar Gun" because I keep forgetting the actual name. Even he couldn't get the last lug nut on. It took him 4 tries, and only worked when he re-tightened the other lug nuts to have more even pressure, then it came loose. He got the tire off, and in his opinion, we could patch the tire as opposed to replacing it. Works for me. So we leave the parking garage to head to the Big O Tires. They were really nice and even got us in right away. They weren't sure if a patch would work on the tire because it wasn't very far in, so the inside was angled, but they gave it a try. Sure enough, it seems to have worked. And it only cost $18, much better then $160. So we drove home, arriving about 2 hours later then planned. NO dinner planned and poor Tim having school to catch up on. Ugh. But we have a safe and happily growing jellybean inside me.


I am completely overwhelmed right now. Tomorrow is the ultrasound to see a heartbeat and I am terrified. Tim even mentioned being a bit nervous last night too. And I know we have reason to be nervous.

Some good things about this pregnancy so far... My betas started out higher then last time. And I am not bleeding like I was last time (keeping fingers crossed). Last time I bled at 5weeks 1 day, and 3 days. On the 5w3d I had some small clots. I bled more again at 9weeks 3 days, and at 12 weeks. I am thankful I haven't been bleeding this time, but I am still terrified.

I know when we see a strong hb tomorrow it will ease me some, but there won't be that settled fear until 12 weeks when we have the NT scan, and again when I can feel this baby kick. Ruth never kicked, there was no fluid, so hopefully this baby will kick early.


So far this pregnancy is going smooth and has been uneventful. But today I am completely exhausted and my stomach is SO full of cramps. I know this is normal, but my scared side is just filled with fear. I want so bad to make it through this pregnancy with no scares. No low heartbeat, no bleeding, no scary ultrasounds, and no lack of symptoms making me wonder.

My boobs have been pretty sore and I have been exhausted no matter how much I sleep at night. And well I can't stop eating, however I think thats because of being bored. Not to mention, my stomach looks HUGE right now. I swear I feel like I am twice the size I was when I was 21 weeks with Ruth.

Ugh, ok well, only 6 more says till the ultrasound to see this/ these beans heartbeat.

Keeping Your Hospital Birth Safe, Healthy and Yes – Even Natural

I read this over on another blog today, and thought I would repost it.

Birth today in the U.S. is often treated as a risky, over-medically-managed event. In reality, birth is neither a disease nor an injury. For the majority of women, birth is a safe, healthy and very normal bodily process. If you’re seeking a more natural, low intervention birth, but aren’t quite comfortable with home birth or don’t have access to a birthing center, there are effective ways to keep birth in a hospital natural, safe and healthy. It will take some effort, planning and perseverance on your part, but the potential payoff is huge!

Inform – Whether you’re planning for your first, second or fifth birth, becoming informed key. What does a healthy birth look like? What are the risks to typical medical birth interventions? How can I give my baby the best start? Learn specific tactics to simplify the birth process and help alleviate fears and manage pain by watching short videos that describe six healthy birth practices: Let labor begin on its own; Walk, move around and change positions throughout labor; Avoid interventions that are not medically necessary; Avoid giving birth on your back and follow your body’s urges to push; Keep mother and baby together – It’s best for mother, baby and breastfeeding.

Investigate – Interview your care provider before you become pregnant or in the early days of pregnancy. Take a hospital tour early in your pregnancy. Research your hospital’s intervention and cesarean rates and research customer feedback. Find a mother-friendly care provider in your area (learn what makes a mother-friendly provider). And remember that it’s never too late to change your care provider or place of birth if you are unhappy.

Educate – Take a childbirth education class from a certified childbirth educator. Sometimes, hospital-based education courses are not taught by certified educators and instead simply prepare you for birth by teaching hospital procedures and guidelines. Seek a certified educator to learn evidence-based education on the healthy and normal process
of birth. (I hear that Lamaze offers excellent childbirth education classes, wink, wink!)

Plan for Support – While labor and delivery nurses can be helpful during birth, they must attend to several mothers during their shift. Further, with the high rate of cesarean section and epidural use in the U.S., many nurses are not accustomed to assisting women through natural birth. Designate a person (or more) to support and advocate for you during labor and birth. This can be your partner or spouse, a dear friend or mother, or consider hiring a birth doula. Whoever you choose, make sure that they know your wishes for birth and are able to provide continuous, positive emotional and physical support.

Remember that birth is a natural, normal process that your body instinctively knows how to do. Become an informed and empowered mom-to-be, surround yourself with positive influences and have confidence in your body’s ability – the rest will fall into place.

Cara Terreri is the site administrator for Lamaze International’s Giving Birth with Confidence—an online community and blog written for and by real women (and men) with a variety of trustworthy, timely and appealing stories, articles and tips related to pregnancy, birth and parenting. The goal is to help women achieve healthy pregnancies and safe, satisfying births by offering a meeting ground to obtain information and support from other women, Lamaze-Certified Childbirth Educators and other knowledgeable experts.

IVF # 2 Stats and list

Jul 23 - Period started
Jul 26 - Ganirelix 250mcg
Jul 30 - Follistim 300 iu, u/s
Jul 31 - Follistim 300 iu
Aug 01 - Follistim 300 iu
Aug 02 - Follistim 300 iu
Aug 03 - Follistim 300 iu, u/s
Aug 04 - Follistim 225 iu
Aug 05 - Follistim 225 iu, Menapur 75 iu
Aug 06 - Follistim 100 iu, u/s
Aug 07 - Menapur 75 iu
Aug 08 - Follistim 125 iu
Aug 09 - HCG Trigger
Aug 11 - Retrieval - 18 eggs
Aug 12 - 15 eggs fertilized - 12 successfully frozen
Aug 14 - 2 embryos transferred
Aug 21 - + HPT
Aug 23 - + HPT
Aug 24 - Beta #1 - 147
Aug 27 - Beta #2 - 395

I told my mom

This cycle I decided NOT to tell my mom we were doing IVF. I really wanted the oppertunity to be able to tell her we were pregnant with a little surprise to it. So today I made a shirt that says mommy to be with a little birdie on it. Its a long white tank, and its stretchy so I can wear it for awhile. So I had her set up the video chat to talk, and so I could surprise her. There was a problem with the speakers though, she couldn't hear me.

I typed below the video to read my shirt, and so said she could only read mommy, So I was moving and twisting so she could read the whole thing. CLUELESS as she was, she read it. Then was like, what? And then it clicked and she screamed and cried. It was PRICELESS. I am so happy I waited to surprise her.

I think this time we aren't going to keep it a secret for very long. I called my dad and will tell him when he calls me back later.

AGH I am so excited.

We're Pregnant

So while on vacation, I took a pregnancy test with the plan to take it on the 23rd. When I got to where we were going, my Aunt Jillian offered me an extra she had. So I took the one I brought on the 21st. I knew it was early. I was in the bathroom and I knew I could see where the line SHOULD be, but wasn't sure I was seeing a line, so I put it in the package and returned it to my suitcase. About an hour later I checked it, and in real like, I could see it was a VERY faint line. I showed Tim and we were both excited. But a little while later I started wondering if it was my trigger shot that was showing. So back to waiting. Yesterday, I woke up at 6am to pee, and took the extra test. When I was in the bathroom the lighting was bad and I was tired, and I really coudln't see a second line. I was a little sad, but didn't think we weren't either. Again, I put it in the suitcase and checked it later in the sun, and this one was much darker. So I left it on the nightstand for Tim when he woke up. I went to wake him around 9, and he said he had a dream we had triplets. I just laughed because I am pregnant.

So we flew back to CA, and this morning was my first blood draw. My beta came back at 147!!! Thats awesome. Last time my beta was 29. So I go back Friday for another draw. I am so excited. Tim is worried its twins, but I doubt it. I think its just healthy.

I feel like I am pregnant

I know its too early.....

But, These hormones are killing me. I sweat the last two time we did injections and progesterone (including an IUI and IVF) I never had these issues. My very first pregnancy I was an emotional wreck. I got mad over everything.

I am that way again, and I am DREADING it. The only difference this time from the last cycles, I am taking estrogen this time. Does Estrogen make you moody???

Also, I wake up every night in the middle of the night to pee, I didn't even do this 5 months pregnant. I mean I had to pee as soon as I woke, but now I have to be at 3am every morning.

I am eating like crazy. I swear I can't make it more then 3 hours without feeling like I am STARVING! Again, never even felt like this pregnant, but I can't stop eating.

Its all just driving me SO nuts.

On a good note, I finished the medication that gives me crazy heartburn and nausea.

6dpo and 6 days till I test

Frozen Embryos

So, we ended up with 15 embryos. We put two back leaving 13. Of the 13, 8 were frozen on the day of the transfer. The remaining 5 were left to grow to day 5 (today) and be frozen. 4 made it, so all in all we only lost 1 embryo. Good news for me.

Each pregnancy we attempt after this will only cost a $300-500 for the meds. I think they defrost the embryos one at a time till the number you want (for us likely only 2-3) survive the thaw, and they transfer them in.

Post Transfer

Well today went great. I have been up since 2am but I am starting to not be in as much pain. We had to leave at 7 this morning to be at the dr's in time. The "instructions" say to drink water 30 minutes prior to arriving, but I started when we first got in the car.
When we were taken back to Dr. Q's office, we got some awesome news. ALL 15 embryos were still doing good. I don't remember them all, but 10 Grade A 8-cell embryos, 1 9 cell embryo, and the rest were all 7 cell embryos. Thats AMAZING compared to last time and the Dr was so excited. There is a good chance that in the future frozen embryo transfer are all we will need to do to complete our family.
So after the meeting with him we were taken to change. I put a gown on and the nurse brought Tim show covers and we both got hairnets. It was so amusing and we had fun with it. Then they took me in to see if my bladder was full enough. The ultrasound machine made me think back because it showed my gestation at what I was with the last pregnancy. I already had to pee so I figured we were good, but my uterus is pretty tilted, so they needed me to drink even more. It hurt pretty bad having to pee but whatever we can move on. The embryologist came in and verified who I was and how many embryos we were transferring. She even remembered to get me a picture of them.

So the nurse got me more water and then checked and I was good. The Dr came in and got started. The speculum hurt a LOT less then last time and he was able to put the catheter in without much issue. We got to watch on the screen but it was pretty hard to see because apparently my uterus lining was REALLY thick. Thats a good thing though. So the embryologist brought in the little embies, Dr Q put them in, and she went back to check and make sure both made it out good.

So I have two sweet embryos tucked away inside me, and I am SO ready to take that pregnancy test in just 8 short days.
Tim and I keep looking at our little embryos on the computer screen, I love that its my embryos we are looking at this time. DH thinks that one looks more like 9 cells but Dr Q said they were putting in two 8-cell embryos. I told Tim that from what I have seen, when the embryos are ahead (like the 9-cell) sometimes they end up with identical twins. Scary yet amazing.

Also, they froze some embryos today and are letting the rest go to day 5. I'd rather weed out any weaker ones now then when we are trying again, that's just me though.

Emotionally I am doing ok. Bed rest is so hard because Tim and I have to agree what to watch on TV, and I think I expect him to do more for me because of it, but I think he wanted to relax. So I did more today then I planned, but I am not worried about it. He did indeed make me dinner and popcorn which was nice, and watched a 4 hour movie of mine on TV. Bonus: we both took a long nap on the couch when we first got home.
So, that was our transfer. I am so positive that in a week we will get a BFP and in 8 months we will be bringing home a little baby to call our own.

Todays Transfer (pre transfer)

Since I am awake so flipping early today, I figure I will post about the "pre-transfer" stuff.

First, WHEN this works, we will be due accordingly.

Singleton Due Date: May 04, 2011
Twins By Ave Gestation: April 12, 2011
Triplets By Ave Gestation: March 16, 2011
Quads By Ave Gestation: March 08, 2011

How freaking exciting is that. May 4th. Just before our 6th wedding Anniversary, just in time for mothers day and fathers day. And he/ she will be old enough to enjoy Christmas some. By the next summer, that will be fun to see as well.

I am so ready. Yesterday it hit me and I decided I didn't want to put in 3 embryos that I was more settled on just two. I really want to try for a single baby. I want to enjoy my pregnancy, and my newborn. I want to get the hang of nursing and try out cloth diapering. All this is easier with just one. I want to settle into parenthood not be thrown in the waters and feel like I am struggling to stay afloat.

I can't believe we are here either. It came so quickly too. I feel like we just decided to do this again. It all came fast and felt so right. I think its also go quicker because we know what to expect this time. Even better though, we leave Tuesday for a week long vacation to visit Tim's family, an I think it will be great to keep m mind of things, and snuggle the new baby over there.

I am SO sore. It hurts to turn too far to the side and the instant I drink water I have to pee. Holding in anything just hurts so bad. My stomach has also been pretty hard. I feel like I am one day in on a p90x abs workout after not moving for a year. But I can get past it.

I began progesterone on Wednesday, an Estrogen patch on Thursday, Medrol one of those days, and am still taking my doxycyclin. The first progesterone shot was the worst, but still not too bad. The second I didn't feel, and the third was good till it stung 1/2 way through. We have noticed however that I only bleed when the shots are on the right side of my bum. Curious to see how I will do these when DH is gone on deployment. But, I should be done with them by mid October in time to go see family in November.

The one side effect that is so frustrating is (my suspicion) from the Medrol. EVERY-TIME I take it, I end up with terrible heartburn. Yesterday I ate so many tums I had to stop because I was going to exceed the max dose. So I am going to ask the dr what that one is for an how needed it is. Because of the heartburn, I end up with a nauseated feeling as well. Now don't get me wrong, when we get pregnant, I will take the morning sickness and any other symptoms with a badge of honor, but the embryos aren't even inside me yet.

Lastly, I asked the Dr last time about getting a picture of the embryos this time. We didn't get one last time and I was so sad, so I will get to post babies first pictures hopefully this afternoon.

Ok wish us luck and say lots of prayers.

The Two-Week Wait Activity List:The Two-Week Wait Activity List: 14 Things to Do When 14 Days Seem Like Forever by Lynn Steen

The Two-Week Wait Activity List:
14 Things to Do When 14 Days Seem Like Forever
by Lynn Steen

As any woman who is trying to get pregnant can tell you, the two weeks from ovulation to the date of your next period are pure torture. You promise yourself you’ll wait it out calmly, you'll distract yourself with other activities and you won't even THINK about taking a pregnancy test until you're at least a day overdue. Then something happens -- your breasts start hurting in a slightly different way than they did before, you get a little bit nauseous, you have some spotting. Or nothing happens, but you find yourself waking up wishing you could go to sleep again so that it would be another day closer to knowing. You can’t think, you can’t sleep, you can't work. You start taking HPTs days before they can possibly be meaningful. You are deep in the abyss of THE TWO-WEEK WAIT!

In my opinion, it's no use advising women to stop obsessing. Instead, here's a list of productive ways to obsess. Please note, however, that there is a limit that each woman must define for herself, between indulging in some baby daydreaming and going overboard. I've included some examples below.

1. Take a walk around your neighborhood and figure out what will be the best route for strolls with the baby. Find areas with nice sidewalks and easy curbs. Go ahead and daydream. But do NOT buy a stroller for the dog.

2. Clean out your closet to make room for the maternity stuff you'll be buying soon. Try on anything you haven't worn for six months. Yes, if you wish, you may put a pillow in your undies to see what will work as maternity wear. But taking a picture of yourself like that is going too far.

3. Start a journal. Write down everything you're feeling. It will be a great opening chapter for your child's baby book. If you can't put your feelings into words, draw something, try to create a symbol that expresses the frustration you're feeling. Don't get that symbol tattooed on your ankle.

4. Plant a hope garden. Or a hope rosebush. Or a hope citrus tree. You want to grow something inside of you— start by growing something outside of you. Nurture it. Feed it. Give it water. Talk to it. But do not send birth announcements.

5. Get better at photography. Learn how to work all the buttons and settings on your camera. Experiment! If you have a digital camera, get all the downloading and editing stuff worked out. You'll be prepared once your baby arrives and will be able to get some great shots and get them emailed to your family before the child's graduation. Do not take photos of your cervical mucous, even if Toni Weschler begs you.

6. Make an appeal to the committee meeting going on inside you. Sperm, egg, uterus, corpus luteum, progesterone are all in there either making a baby or not. Treat them like any other unruly committee you’ve ever addressed. Yes that's right, go ahead and talk to them. Put your hands on your stomach and tell them how much you respect them. Make your best argument in favor of a baby, and then let them decide, it's out of your hands. Addressing the commit- tee within earshot of normal people is not recommended.

7. Paint your toenails. Imagine how difficult this will be when you're pregnant. Go shopping for the perfect pink and blue nail polish in preparation for a celebration pedicure. Alternate colors on the day you find out you're pregnant, then use a single color when you find out the baby's sex. Don't paint a cycle-day countdown on your big toes.

8. Make a cup of herbal tea. It’s a nice ritual: boiling the water, adding the tea leaves, pouring into a nice china cup, adding some milk or sugar, sipping peacefully. Ahhhh. There's nothing that a nice cup of tea won't help. Yeah, right. Well, it does kill a little bit of time.

9. Swim laps. Think about the sperm and how they need to swim to your egg. Imagine that you are a sperm, the end of the pool is the egg, then GO, GO, GO! Don't wear a tail or anything. Just imagine it quietly.

10. Make lists. List who you will tell when you get pregnant and in what order. List all the chores you need to get done. List all the healthy activities you intend to do this week. List all the girl and boy names you like. Lists are helpful for all sorts of things, most of all for passing time.

11. Choreograph a fertility dance. Choose whatever music speaks to your soul and make up a dance routine as a prayer to the universe for the growth of an embryo. Move your hips, rotate your belly, let your arms flow—but close the curtains.

12. Prepare a folic acid feast. Cream of broccoli soup appetizer, followed by spinach lasagna, enriched whole-grain garlic bread, and frozen orange juice sorbet for dessert. Dedicate the meal to your baby-to-be. Just don't set a high chair at the table.

13. Delegate the burden of the two-week wait. Clearly someone has to worry constantly during this time, but does it have to be you? Divide the days up among your best friends and closest family members. On their assigned day, they are required to think, wonder, and worry all day about whether you are pregnant. At the end of the day they have to call or send you email describing how agonizing it was. Also they have to report if they had any "symptom," such as, sore breasts, excessive urination, nausea, bleeding, fatigue. You'll be surprised how many people, male and female, have early pregnancy symptoms if they just look for them.

14. Write a list of 14 things to do during your own Two Week Wait and post it to the Baby Boards! For me, this activity killed nearly 3 hours. Now what? I’ve still got 9 days to go—aaaarrgrhhhh.

HPT Blues

The HPT Blues

My temp is still up
It's day twenty-eight
Could it be, could it be
That my period is late?

I count on my fingers
I look at my chart
Could I be pregnant
Without doing an ART?

I shouldn't, I wouldn't
I won't do a test
It's a waste of money
Just give it a rest.

I say to myself
Put it out of your mind
Wait til tomorrow
See what you find.

I don't dare hope
I don't dare dream
If I don't pee on a stick
I think I may scream!

101 Ways to share the news

I found this online and I like it.

1. Decorate your husband’s vehicle in pink and blue ribbons and bows. Write on the windows with shoe polish…Guess What Daddy??

2. Buy a baby rattle, baby booties, baby bottle, a bib and a small teddy bear. Tie them together with ribbon and hang them over the rearview mirror in your husband’s vehicle.

3. Hang a “Baby On Board” sign in your husband’s window.

4. Put a baby doll in the front seat of your husband’s vehicle, seat belt the baby in with a card of Congratulations.

5. Have a Parking Sign Made and put it in your driveway. “Pregnant Women Only” or “Dads Only”.

6. Rent a Stork yard sign – have them write on it “Welcome Home Daddy”

7. Post signs on the side of the road – on the route your husband takes home from work. Attach two balloons to the top. Write, Congratulations (name) you are going to be a Daddy.

8. Announce your pregnancy on a “Billboard” that is on your husbands way to work.

9. While your husband is taking a shower, go in and write on the mirror, “We Are Having A Baby” and a bunch of little hearts with your lipstick.

10. If you are not sure how your husband will handle the news and he needs reading material in the bathroom, staple a note or card in the magazine, Congratulations! You are going to be a Daddy around (Your Due Date). At least he will be in the right place.

11. Have a Bath towel embroidered saying “Daddy-To-Be” and hang it on the towel rack.

12. Buy a baby bottle, put your pregnancy test inside with a letter from you or a letter from the baby. Run a bubble bath for your husband and put the bottle in the tub before he gets in.

13. Put Baby Shampoo and Baby Bath in your Shower or by the bathtub.

14. Buy Pre-Natal Vitamins and put them by the kitchen sink or next to sink in your bathroom.

15. If your doctor writes you a prescription for prenatal vitamins, give the prescription to your husband and ask him to get it filled for you.

16. Wear a t-shirt that says, “Baby on Board” or “Baby due in the month that you are expecting”.

17. Buy small baby toys and put them under your husband’s pillow and under the covers on his side of the bed. If he asks what’s going on, tell him he is going to get used to toys being around the house.

18. Put a baby diaper in your husband’s underwear drawer. Write on the diaper,”You are going to be a Daddy”.

19. Have a scavenger hunt in your home. Put a note where your husband can find items such as a wedding picture, anything that you both enjoy and eventually lead him to a pregnancy test, baby book, baby bottle ect.

20. Sit down with crayons and coloring books and just scribble…when asked what you are doing, reply with…I need to practice, we are having a baby.

21. Decorate a bedroom in you home with balloons, streamers and a Banner that says, “Future Baby’s Room” include your due date.

22. Buy a “Shhh..Baby Sleeping” Door Hanger and put it on the future baby room.

23. Play a game of scrabble and do your best to create all words pertaining to baby.

24. Play a hand of cards with your husband, be sure to write on them “Congratulations, You Win!..then write Baby’s Due Date”.

25. With a washable marker, write on your belly, “Hi Daddy”.

26. Wrap a ribbon around your belly area and put a bow on.

27. Buy a bag of Pink and Blue balloons and helium tank, blow them all up and have the pregnancy test wrapped around a ribbon from a balloon.

28. Put pink and blue balloons filled with helium in a large box with a parenting book. Wrap it up and give it as a gift to dad.

29. Put your Positive Pregnancy Test in a Card that says Congratulations.

30. Have a T-Shirt made, “Daddy-To-Be”.

31. Buy a glass jar and have them engrave “Daddy-To-Be” with your due date on it. Fill it with pink and blue M&M’s.

32. Buy a Key Chain that says “Daddy” on it and put it on your husband’s key chain.

33. Buy a necklace charm that says “Dad” on it.

34. Have a Bracelet engraved, on the top write “To Daddy” on the Bottom “See you Soon”

35. Buy a paperweight for your husband’s desk that has a poem about Dads. Have a co-worker give it to him or leave it on his desk.

36. Buy 9 roses or how ever many months until your due day and attach a congratulations card to the vase.

37. Make a mini scrap book from the time that you met all the way to you getting pregnant. On the last page put a picture of a stork with your due date.

38. Have a Custom coffee cup made, “Daddy-To-Be” and exchange it for his favorite coffee cup.

39. If your husband is a cook, have an apron made that says, “Cooking for 3”.

40. Create a Dinner Menu that lists Drinks: Baby Formula, Baby Apple Juice, Breast Milk, Appetizers: baby peas, baby carrots, baby green beans, baby squash, Main Course: Baby Back Ribs, Baby turkey, Baby Turkey Dessert: Applesauce, Teething biscuits ect and ask him what he wants for dinner.

41. Next time your husband asks you to get him a drink, fill a baby bottle up with his favorite beverage and hand it to him.

42. Bake your husband a cake and write “Congratulations Daddy” or “Daddy-To-Be”

43. Order a cake or large cookie announcing the news and have your husband go pick it up.

44. Make your husband breakfast and also serve cinnamon rolls or buns. Tell him that you have a bun in the oven.

45. Put a new label over the milk carton (Breast Milk – For Baby Only- Due Date)

46. Order pizza for delivery and have them write “Daddy”, with your husband’s favorite topping.

47. Take your spouse to his favorite restaurant and have them put a little flag in his drink or in his dessert saying, “Congratulations! You are going to be a Daddy”

48. Take your husband to lunch or dinner and ask the hostess to bring a high chair to the table. When your husband asks what it is for: share the great news.

49. Make reservations at a restaurant for “3”, when your husband asks who else is joining you, just say they won’t be here for 9 months.

50. Prearrange with a restaurant, give them little plastic booties, bottles ect and have them put one in his drink, one on the appetizer plate, one on his meal plate ect. See if he can figure it out.

51. Go out to dinner and order more then you usually do and burst out with, “I am eating for two”.

52. Have fortune cookies made that say, “We are having a baby”.

53. Take your husband to the same place that he proposed to you and get down on one knee and hand him a bracelet box that has your pregnancy test enclosed.

54. Buy Baby Bibs that say, “I Love Daddy”, “I Love Grandma” or “I Love Grandpa” wrap them up and give it as a gift.

55. Buy Baby Booties, wrap them up and give it to them as gift with a card saying Congratulations.

56. Buy a Photo Frame that says, “#1 Daddy”, “#1 Grandma and Grandpa” or “#1 Aunt and Uncle”.

57. Have a picture taken where you are holding your belly, at the bottom of the picture write “Expecting a Miracle” and “Due Date”. Frame it and give it as a gift.

58. Go to a department store that has a “Baby Registry”, with your husband and as soon as you walk in, ask him if he wants to sign up for the baby registry today because you only have so much time before the baby arrives.

59. Go to the store and visit the baby department. Say to him, “Do you think we will be having a girl or boy in “The month you are due”?

60. Have a sky writing company, write in the sky, You are going to be a Daddy.

61. If your husband listens to a specific radio station every day, call them to see if they can announce the great news for you.

62. If your husband reads the local newspaper daily, put an ad in the newspaper announcing your pregnancy.

63. Contact the local movie theater and have them arrange an the announcement on the screen before the Movie begins.

64. Create your own Movie Ticket with Dad’s Name, Expected due date ect. Ask him to go to the movies and give him the ticket.

65. Plan a movie night and have the movies centered around pregnancy.

66. If you know a police officer, have him stop by the house telling your husband he is under arrest because of an unpaid ticket – have the officer give his a ticket saying “Congratulations”

67. This needs to be pre-arranged but you can go to a comedy club and have some one ask for all the men under the age of 35 (example) to stand up, Have them ask all single men to sit down, Have them ask anyone whos’ name is in not “Dave” (example) to sit down. Have them say, who ever has a wife whos name is “your name” to remain standing and everyone else sit down. And the announcer can announce the news.

68. If you attend church on a regular basis, share the news with others and ask them to walk up to your husband and say “Congratulations” ONLY! Have your preacher come up and Congratulate him on being a Dad-To-Be.

69. Have family and friends get together for a surprise party, when your husband arrives..have everyone say “Surprise you are going to be a Daddy”

70. Around Christmas Time, put a gift under the tree addressed to “Daddy-To-Be” Enclose a parenting book for dad.

71. At Christmas – Hang Stockings over the fireplace and have one just for “Baby”

72. At Christmas time. When you sign the cards that you send out to family and friends, put your name, your husbands name and TBA in “the month you are due”.

73. If it is Christmas time, buy an ornament that says new mommy, new daddy, Parent-To-Be or Baby’s 1st Christmas and put it on the tree.

74. At Christmas Time or Easter, go visit Santa or the Easter Bunny with your husband. Tell the photographer to have Santa or the Easter Bunny ask your husband what he thinks that baby will want next year for their 1st Christmas or 1st Easter.

75. Around Easter time: Hide Eggs around your home, in one: Write a note saying, “You are going to be a big brother, sister or new daddy”

76. Around Valentines Day, Buy a Large Hershey Kiss and remove the tag, stick in your own tag reading “Congratulations Daddy”.

77. If you want to surprise your mother around her birthday or Mother’s Day – Order a cake that says Happy Birthday Grandma or Happy Mother’s Day Grandma.

78. Buy a “Grandma’s Brag Book” to announce the news to the grandparents.

79. Have a puzzle made announcing your pregnancy.

80. Have a 12 month calendar made with picture of you and your husband and family. The month that you are expecting, have a picture of a stork and the baby’s due date.

81. When you have your first sonogram, get copies and put them in greeting cards to announce your news to family and friends.

82. Create a family tree and add an area for the soon to be baby and put TBA or due in “what ever month the baby is due”.

83. Send out “Save The Date” Postcards – Have the date the baby is due.

84. Send out an invitation to join you at a family gathering, on the inside write your due date, the hospital, and ask for RSVP’s.

85. If you husband plays golf, write on his golf balls “Daddy” before he goes out for the day of golf.

86. Hire a singing telegram to announce the news.

87. Get a hotel room and have them put flowers, and baby items on the bed, along with a crib in the room.

88. Print out a candy wrapper that announces the due date, the parents, any brothers and sisters ect.

89. Create a website site or online journal and have the details listed.

90. Take pink and blue balloons with one helium balloon saying “I Love You” or “Congratulations” to your husband at work.

91. Have flowers (pink and blue carnations) sent to your husbands work with a note saying “Congratulations, you are going to be a Daddy” or “Congratulations, the test was positive”

92. Depending where your husband works, if they have an intercom, ask them to announce the news.

93. If you already have a child, buy them a t-shirt that says, “I’m going to be a Big Brother” or “I’m a Big Sister”.

94. If you have a pet, have a t-shirt made saying “Woof! Woof!..You Are Going To Be A Daddy”

95. Change the screensaver on your computer to say “Congratulations Daddy”.

96. If you know a banker at your bank, ask them for their help. Have your husband go to the bank with you to discuss your account/s. Have the banker ask your husband if he wants to set up a college fund now or if he would like to wait until the baby arrives.

97. If you have a regular tax advisor, when he sits down and goes over the paperwork with both of you, have him tell your husband that next year he will have a “NEW” tax deduction.

98. Have a friend call claiming they are from the IRS and ask him how many deductions he plans on claiming this year.

99. Buy a Piggy bank that says college fund on it! Leave a note that you only have 18 years and how ever many months left in your pregnancy to save for your new baby’s college fund.

100. Write a letter from the baby and give it to your husband.

101. Buy a Star in your baby’s name. Baby (last name). You will receive a certificate, a bear or a keepsake package.

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me."

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?"

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. "

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down."

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known."

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Author UNknown__

upset at wal mart

So today I went to wal mart because we needed a few things and I needed an oil change. I did most my shopping fine and was on a high because I was so excited about some plans for the business.

Anyway I passed the baby section. I haven't been in there in a long time because I have been gone. Well I got myself so frustrated. I basically begged god to make me not want a child so bad so it won't hurt so much. Doesn't that sound so fair? If I wanted a baby less it wouldn't hurt so bad. Who knows I just know I think this really sucks.

So that was my frustrating moment of the day.

Names, oh how we love names

I like

Eloise (Tim's Gma) and call her Ella
Lauren Grace
Caelie Rose
Emily Rose
Hannah May
Elle May
Elle Marie
Mary Elle

Leland Mitchell
Hayden James
Andrew Joshua

Infertility Alphabet

Contributed by Lola Anderson

Ask and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. Matthew 7:7

Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed; for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. Joshua 1:9

Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with Thanksgiving. Colossians 4:2

Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you. James 4;8

Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and He shall hear my voice. Psalm 55:17

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life John 3:16

Godliness with contentment is great gain. I Timothy 6:6

He that abideth in me, and I in Him, the same bringeth forth much fruit; for without Me ye can do nothing. John 15:5

In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust. Psalm 31:1

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged; condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned; forgive, and ye shall be forgiven. Luke 6:37

Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life. Jude 1:21

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have; for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5

My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:2

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen Hebrews 11:1

O give thanks unto the Lord; for He is good; for His mercy endureth forever. Psalm 106:1

Pray without ceasing. I Thessalonians 5:17

Quicken us, and we will call upon thy name. Psalm 80:18

Rejoice in every good thing which the Lord thy God hath given unto thee... Deuteronomy 26:11

Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth Colossians 3:2

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Uphold me according unto thy word, that I may live; and let me not be ashamed of my hope. Psalm 119:116

Verily, verily, I say unto you, whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in My name, He will give it you. John 16:23

With God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26

Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it... Psalm 127:1

Ye shall seek Me, and find Me when ye shall search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

The Lord shall bless thee out of Zion... Psalm 128:5

Scriptural references are from the King James version of the Bible

The Infertile Patient's Prayer and Infertility "Defined"

Lord, Give me Strength...

To keep my cool when another period starts

To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy

To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her

To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training

To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads

To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for 2 hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name

To make the right decision about treatment

To maintain a good relation ship with my husband in spite of all this.

It’s helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. " God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Infertility Is...

Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own

Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had

Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet ?"

Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences

Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you

Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because " You don't have any kids to worry about "

Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying

Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren

Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt ?" Easy, right ?

Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.

St. David's Infertility Prayer

St. David's Infertility Prayer

Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.


The Wait Poem

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?"
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

The Journey

The journey from infertility to family,
someone once said,
is like taking a train ride;
Never knowing whether
you'll reach your desired destination.

There are plenty of stops along the ride.
And each of the passengers
makes it's own decision
when its time to get off.

Some never need to take the train.
Others ride it for a lifetime.
But whether you reach your destination or not,
pay attention to the journey.
If you will,
as painful as it is,
it may reward you in unexpected ways.

what else is new {losing it yet again}

So, today I feel like I hit a wall. Later I will write more about what I read about the MTHFR. That broke me down a bit.

Anyway, today I woke in a terrible mood. Last night I was really cranky because my sister (visiting for 6 weeks) was being very strong willed and just over the top. So I woke up and was really short tempered all day. I realized it but couldn't control it. I figured its just bloods on there way. I mean its only about 5 days till I start and I've been getting shorter so it will likely be sooner.

Then I changed into comfy clothes. I took off my bra and my boobs just hurt. The first time in so long that it was my boob and not just the nip. So I questioned it. I started grabbing on to anything hoping it could mean what I hoped. However I know its no good to do so because it just makes it worse. I even found myself asking G.o.d. To let this finally e our turn. I know that's now how it works but whatever.

I'm just so sick of this. Its too far to see a fertility Dr and too soon to do adoption papers. I'm just at a wall where I have absolutely no control.

I feel like I'm losing it.

The 3 day nursing sabbatical

I am still transferring things from my old blog, so I will add these in, but will likely change the date down the road so they aren't in the middle of my IVF stuff.

The 3 day nursing sabbatical

So… what is a 3 day nursing sabbatical? (Desperate? Skip down to get to the nitty gritty instructions).
A 3 day nursing sabbatical is really the cure-all for most of the common early problems in Bfing. Low supply particularly, but even poor latch, nipple confusion, etc can all benefit. Its really useful if you’ve found yourself in the viscious cycle of trying to get baby to stay interested, nurse more, increase supply, reduce formula, get where you don’t have to pump as frequently, etc. This is also ideal for growth spurts (in fact, its darn near mandatory).

All too often the story goes something like this: wonderful woman meets cute guy, they fall in love they have kids, they have grand plans. Wonderful woman plans wonderful birth. Things may or may not go as expected, but most often NOT as expected. Shes spent 9 months reading all about how to have a great birth, what colors to paint the nursery for the best developmental stimulus, and how to escape it all without too much damage to show for it while still enjoying and tolerating the stretch marks that don her belly. Then – she has the baby and realizes, NOBODY told her the half million things that might come up as she nurses her baby, who seems to be also clueless about what to do. Also news - theres a difference between lactation counselors and consultants, few pediatricians receive any training about breastfeeding, and the ones that did apparently missed that day of class b/c they had a frat party the night before. (Oh come on – you think he was a saint in college?!)

So – here you are – a postpartum mom, trying to figure out nursing in a world where few people you know nurse (IF you even know someone). You’ve been sent home with formula samples out your ears, and maybe you used a few those first few nights (b/c nobody told you that they just happen to discharge you before things really get moving in the BFing department, and that 3rd night is when all babies decide they want to stay up allllllllll night long although they slept like angels the first few nights).

OR maybe you got “lucky” and your baby is sleeping a LOT – and as a result not nursing quite as much. And to get by, or to satisfy your paranoia, or to let dad feed the baby, you’ve given a few bottles of milk (pumped or artificial). And now – youre stuck. Baby never seems satisfied. Baby is constantly hungry. Laundry is piling up and you don’t know what to do? The 3 day sabbatical is for you.

First things first. Pull out the calendar. The one you used BEFORE the baby came along that organized your life that you can barely keep up with now that it takes an hour to get out of the house from the 2 diaper changes and 3 outfit changes (1 for you and 2 for baby). WIPE EVERYTHING OFF FOR THE NEXT 3 DAYS! Soccer practice – gone. Lunch date – cancel it. Drs appt – only if its serious lol. Moms coming over – give her a list of to-dos. Church – God will understand, I promise. Call DH & tell him youre ordering pizza for the next 3 nights, unless hed like to reheat leftovers, bring home Chinese food, or make grilled cheese (unless you were the lucky one that got the DH that could cook, and then I’m jealous).

Find a good book – maybe the BFing book that’s been gathering dust the last 10 months. Have DH bring home all the trash magazines so you can catch up on all the celebrity goodness. Whatever floats your boat. Grab a comforter, a pillow, the remote, some snacks and a lot of water and find a comfy place in front of a TV. That’s your home for the next 3 days. Give up your anxiety now, the laundry will not walk off, it will be there in 3 days and your DH could use another job anyways!

Now – strip down from the waist up. Yes, you’re probably leaking more than the rickety faucet in the downstairs bathroom. That’s ok. Now, strip baby down to just a diaper. Which reminds me – grab a handful of diapers, wipes, and the bathroom trash can to put next to the couch. Turn up the heat if you must, but really – your body heat will do the job.

Your job for the next 3 days is to feed the baby. That’s all. No laundry. No cooking. No cleaning. You can take a shower if you’re one of the lucky ones that has a baby that will sleep when DH comes home. But, really – its not necessary. Baby likes the way you smell 

Nurse nurse nurse. The reason this works so well is:
1 – you’ve finally succumbed to motherhood. Priorities priorities priorities. This is your ONLY job. Until you get this down pat, nothing will fall into place. When you have this down pat, everything else will run smoother, including your brain 
2 – skin to skin contact. The skin to skin contact, even if baby barely nurses at all the first day, will do more for the baby than just about any other single thing you can do.
3 – Being naked will give you an unobstructed view of what is going on down there. Is baby’s latch good (for the answer, pull out that dusty BFing book). Tongue should be slightly visible, both lips puckered out like a fish’s, and you should hear gulping, not clicking.
4 – Interest in the breast – this is why the leaking happens. Baby knows the smell of milk- baby will get interested in the breast, will root around, and will start to get the hang of things
5 – because you have nothing else to do except nurse – baby will nurse probably ALLLLLLLLLLLL day and your supply will increase naturally as a result.

Now – those diapers. Count em. From the time you get up till the end of the evening – count diapers. If baby is under a week old, you should get at least 1 diaper per day of life (3 days old = 3 dirty diapers). For babies over 1 week old, look for 5 – 6 wet/poopy diapers a day. Because you don’t have anything else to do but nurse, change diapers, and keep up with which celeb is in rehab again, you can change frequently and don’t have to worry if that diaper had one pee pee or two. Having trouble determining whether its wet (b/c they don’t dump a gallon of pee when theyre that little)? Well, you could leave them naked but assuming you don’t want to call an upholstery cleaner at the end of the 3 days, place a piece of toilet paper in the diaper when you change the baby. By the next diaper change if the TP is obviously wet, then you know baby peed. The super absorbent diapers can be hard to tell but this makes it easier.

IF you don’t have enough wet diapers, you can supplement an ounce or two (base your judgement off of how many diapers you got).

Check these links for more info:

This usually works. You can do fenugreek and mothers milk tea if you need, just add that to the pile in your nest on the couch. Fenugreek is usually around 3 – 4 pills, 3 – 4 times a day for a total of 9 – 12 pills (you should smell like maple syrup within a day or two). You should be taking in a lot of fluids as well. But rest assured, if youre getting enough wet/poopy diapers, your baby is getting enough milk. 

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