Sign of things to come

I am a little worried, a new "symptom" I have heard of seems to be making its appearance a little too early for me. I have been sneezing like crazy lately, and yesterday I sneezed twice in a row. I couldn't help it but during the second sneeze I piddled a little.

Ive read that this is normal, but really, at 13 weeks? Seems really early to me. I guess its just a sign of the things to come. Its going to be a LONG winter if I keep sneezing and get any sort of cough.

Second Trimester

Today is the first official day of the second trimester. I can't believe we have made it this far. Its kinda shocking. I have to say this day isn't as reassuring to me as the great NT scan. But happy I am to have made it this far. I also think hearing the HB on Monday really helped calm my fears as well. So now we have a countdown to the 16 week mar which was my first loss. Thats not as important anymore, but it is a milestone.

Next OB appt isn't till November 17th. Yeah.


I finally heard the HB on my doppler at home. Surprisingly it didn't take me too long to find, and its still really quiet. But it was there. Its such a relief to be able to hear the jelly bean anytime I want.

The display on it is a little weird. I am not sure I can trust the readout as to what the HB is registering at. But thats ok, I am just happy to hear it.

So Frustrated

So I took my car in today for the 5th time to get it fixed. Still I wasn't too frustrated about this, I sit at home all day. I drop it off expecting it to be yet another 3 hour appt. No the guy calls to say they need to keep it till tomorrow. Umm that won't work, I have an appt I have to leave for at 6:40am to meet my perinatologist. I had a genetic appt with them. Ok so they send their driver to take me to Enterprise to get a free rental. No problem, right?

So wrong! First they make me wait forever because they INSIST on putting me in a freaking Nissan since that is who is paying for the rental. I could care less what car you give me I just want to go about m day. Wrong, oh so wrong. The first car they give me, a Ford Focus. and it was not even close to a nice one. Fine. I drive back to the dealership to get some things I need for my day today and tomorrow. Then I notice a big bulge in the tire. I can't drive that to my appt, its way too far and not safe. So I return it for a different car. They give me a freaking old Honda Accent I think. Tiniest car ever, no automatic locks, mirrors, or windows. Ok I am not a snob, but I drive a 2009 Nissan Altima. Nothing great but its a decent car. I would expect at least that of a rental. And to top it all off, it REEKED!!!!! Seriously I wanted to vomit and I don't even have extra sensitive smell right now. Honestly it had to be the worst ever BO I have ever smelled.

Ok so I go to the library to take care on one errand. I then call my peri and try to reschedule. They can't. They are full and to do the appt its like an NT where you only have so much time. They can't fit me in and there is NO way in hell Iam driving this thing there and wanting to puke the whole time. So I took the stupid car back to Enterprise, didn't pay a penny, and went home.

So now I am home, had to cancel my appt that I can't reschedule or go to, and I am so frustrated with my emotions because this shouldn't make me cry so much.

NT Scan - 12 weeks 2 days

So, we finally had the dreaded but exciting NT scan.

I chose to go back to the same dr this time because he was so nice last time when we found out the bad news with Ruth. This time Tim was able to join me, and we were both really excited to see the baby.

So we arrived by using our new GPS for the first time, I am so in love with that thing already. We parked with no issues, and this time I knew where to go. Except I totally missed the office RIGHT in front of the elevator. Kind of funny. Anyway, so I filled out all the paperwork, they even had my old OB in there, so we had to redo some of it. No biggie, but it was a sign that they remembered I have been there in the past. So the paperwork got done and we just sat and waited or turn.

When we were called back, I was given some more info to fill out, and the nurse explained that I needed to empty my bladder (already did) and to undress from the waist down. She looked as though she was ready to leave, so I nervously requested a sheet. She grabbed one, and explained it again, along with how to lay on the table. I think I can handle that. Anyway, so I get up on the table and we waited for the dr. When he arrived he was talking about something and I mentioned being here for our daughters NT scan. And they both looked so puzzled. They asked if it was this office, which I replied yes, then he asked when, and I said this past February. So he stared at his nurse in a "why did you not know this" sort of lok, and she pulled up my old file. I was a little frustrated, but whatever. So she read his notes off too him.

He started with the abdominal ultrasound and right away I could see the heart beating. First good thing. Then as he got to the profile, I immediately noticed how small the babies fluid was behind the neck. I was smiling SO big at this point. (and I am not one to plaster a smile on). SO he measures it and it was 1.4mm in the first measurement and 1.6mm in the second measurement. Either way, BOTH amazing numbers. Ruth measured 4.55mm on the second scan of hers when we did the CVS. AMAZING news. We could both breath good again.

So the rest of the exam we just watched our little bean. We only heard the HB for a few seconds. The dr moved SO quick this time that we were probably only in there about 5 minutes total (ultrasound time). Either way, this baby appears healthy and that is the best news ever.

On to some pictures

First Stretch Mark

From this baby at least. I have had stretch marks since I was a teen, and whatever it is what it is. I don't wear a bikini or ever show my body where they are (butt, boobs, hips, and stomach). My thighs are the only place they bother be. But my very first one from this baby has begun showing. Its just a tiny purple dot on my right outter hip/ thigh. Its so cute all its own. I haven't had purple ones since probably 18 so it stands out as being the new one. But its still so tiny as it should be at this age. But I am prone to stretch marks, so I have surrendered that I will have them. Its ok with me.

Another dream

I can't help it, but EVERY morning I wake up after having yet another strange dream. I had to get up at 5:30 with Tim this morning, so it isn't as in depth as usual, but funny still the same.

So in this dream I had the baby, it was a girl, and she was born on May 1st. Then I had to go back to school to graduate (high school) before I could stay home with her. It was funny to me.

How you feel with a miscarriage

I read this post by someone else today, and it really hit home, so I have to share it.

The One
I've been really trying to put a label on my feelings the past couple of days. (As my husband has said before, I always over-think things!) I can't figure out why I was fine shortly after finding out I had miscarried (by that afternoon I seemed to be logical, rational, and accepting of what had happened.) We went on about the weekend as if it were any other. But then Monday, after the D&C, it hit me. Not sure WHAT hit me, but something did. Hormones, I guess. Here's the best way I can describe how it feels, at least for me. I'm sure everyone feels differently.

I would describe my sadness as the kind you feel after a break up. Not just any break up, tho. The kind where you were sure that person was the one. You have planned and dreamed in your head all the details: The wedding, the dog you're going to buy together, how you will decorate your first home, the vacations you will take, the children you will have with that person. You have told all of your friends and family about the one, and they are all in love with him too.

Then you realize that the person you loved, the one you imagined spending the rest of your life with, is not the one for you. You know that you cannot change them. You cannot change the outcome of the relationship that is on the brink of failure. You accept that you must move on, you accept that it just wasn't meant to be. You take down all his pictures, you go out with your friends and assure them (and yourself) that you are FINE. But in the back of your mind... you wonder, Was it something I did? Something I said? What if....? But it's too late, they are already gone. Their stuff is moved out, their phone number is changed, they are gone.

The days go by. You are confident that one day, you will find the one that is truly meant to be in your arms. But you still wake up every morning and roll over, expecting that person to be there, and they are not. You feel that emptiness, that reminder that this is really real. They are the last thing you think about as you fight your way to sleep. Throughout your day, you find yourself looking ahead on the calendar at dates that were marked to include that person. You have to get a new planner because you wrote it all in pen. When you show up to your cousin's destination wedding alone, you remind yourself how much more miserable you would have been taking someone who was no longer the one. Yet you dread telling people that it's over when they inevitibly ask how things are going with the one.

Does all that make any sense at all???

One day, I will wake up and my empty (yet muffin-topped) belly won't be the first thing I think about. One day, I will be awakened by the cry of a new baby, and I won't be able to imagine having any other baby than THAT one (besides Brax, of course.) THAT will be the one that is meant for me to hold. That will be the one that I will repaint the ugly green spare bedroom for. That baby will be the one to go to Disney World with us, to be in our dorky Christmas card picture, to steal Brax's crib from him. I will get thru the holidays and events that I thought would include this baby, knowing how heartbreaking they would have been if this baby had been born unhealthy and then taken from me later. I will love and hold and cherish my little boy, and let his greasy, naked, full-body hugs heal my heart.

Another weird dream

I am another very weird dream last night. Tim and I were in the store shopping for a twin back carrier. Ive never seen one in person, so I don't actually think they make them. Anyway, the whole dream was us walking the baby store with him trying out twin gear. Mostly strollers and carriers. This carrier was a MONSTER. But it was pretty cool at the same time.

I just think its funny because we've already had two ultrasounds confirm just one baby, yet I had a dream of twins...

Baby Wash Cloth Tutorial

I can't take credit for this, I just searched around, but it seems easy enough to do, so Ill give it a try, and try to photograph along the way.

TUTORIAL: How to Make a Simple Baby Wash Cloth (Handmade Holiday Gift Idea #1)
Here's an easy to sew baby wash cloth that will surely be appreciated. A mother with a baby can never have too much of these! One wash cloth takes only a few minutes to can definitely make a bunch in just one sitting.

How to Make a Simple Baby Wash Cloth

Requirements (for one 11" x 11" baby wash cloth):
11 1/2" by 11 1/2" cotton flannel in baby colours and prints
11 1/2" by 11 1/2" light coloured cotton towelling
6" coordinating ribbon (1/2" wide)
matching thread
materials for applique (optional): small piece of flannel print, iron-on adhesive
basic sewing skills

How to:

1. Prepare your materials. Round off corners of both flannel and backing fabric.

Tip: You can also use store-bought face washers for your backing. Those are inexpensive, come in a variety of colours and are usually thicker than ordinary cotton towelling.

2. Lay your cotton towelling square right side up. Fold ribbon in half and position diagonally on the upper right hand corner of your fabric, as shown below.

3. Place flannel square on top, wrong side up. Pin all layers in place, making sure your ribbon stays in its proper placement. Stitch all around using a 1/4" seam allowance, leaving about a 2" gap in the bottom center edge for turning.

4. Turn wash cloth to its right side, push out the corners and press well. Slipstitch the opening closed. Topstitch all around, about 1/4" from the edges.

5. Optional applique: Cut out your desired flannel print design in whatever shape or size you want (Mine is a 2 1/2" diameter circle). Follow the manufacturer's instructions on how to use the iron-on adhesive (I used Heat 'n' Seal - Lite so fabric remains soft). Position your applique near the bottom right corner of your wash cloth. Sew in place using a medium width and small length zigzag stitch.

That's it, you're all done! Too easy, wasn't it? And how cute is that? Now go and make some more!

By the way, if you noticed, the title of this post says 'Handmade Holiday Gift Idea #1'. This should mean there would be a #2, #3 and so on. Hopefully, I will be able to follow through in the coming days and weeks before Christmas!

Have fun!

Still struggling

So I am still struggling to get attached to this little bean inside me. I love it and I pray every night this bean will be ok. But I still just don't feel excited yet. I know its mostly fear of something being wrong again. I am 10 weeks and 1 day now, and my NT scan is in 2 weeks and 1 day. Im nervous, but hopeful. Its odd really. I can't help the fear of something being wrong even though I feel like everything is fine. It seems backwards.

On a good note, I am all finished with my Progesterone shots. Its kind of nice, now I just need to wait for the feeling to come back into m butt cheeks.

Cute clothes

Ive bought both of these girl ones, thinking we are having a little girl.