Christmas 2016

Wow - first opps for falling so far behind.

So this Christmas was a little different. Tim is deployed so we celebrated as a family before he left. We put the tree up after Thanksgiving. The kids had a blast doing the ornaments and both of them did fantastic. The boys had a blast. They each got a new iPad mini so they can each have their own and I will be taking back the original one they used to share. Owen got an awesome blaze toy that turns blaze from a monster truck into a race car. He absolutely loves it. Leiland got connect 4 which he needs more practice with and they both got a couple other small things. Tim took Leiland to get me a gift. So freaking sweet and Leiland picked out a kitty. They couldn't take her home that day, so when I called the next Monday about coming to get her they basically said the foster family was keeping her. Bummer.

So because Tim would be gone the kids and I came to Michigan. I planned the trip to leave on the 16th after Leilands 1/2 day of school. I really struggled to get everything I needed to done before I needed to leave. The day before Leilands teacher invited us to his class party. We had a blast but it delayed me packing some and so we got on the road a bit late. We had planned on stopping halfway which we were able to accomplish. The second day we had to stop early but then got the rest of the way and arrived in time to celebrate with my dad and Kris. The next dad we celebrated with Nana and Papa. We had a blast. We went to see Santa. Leiland asked for a bell from his sleigh and Owen was nervous but excited. He wouldn't sit ON santa but did sit beside Leiland and proceeded to talk to Santa the entire time. I was pleasantly surprised by this.

Through the week we tried to visit as many as we could. We arrived with Leiland having a cough which turned into Owen being sick by Christmas and now Elissa has caught the bug. We head home tomorrow and honestly I am so ready to be home. Its so very hard to travel and stay with other people with a fussy baby and sick kids. I miss home thats for sure.

So as far as Christmas goes - oh it was fun. Christmas eve the kids had a blast with the whole family here. Owen was quiet and shy till Anna arrived. He was so happy to see her. They loved the treats. Presents were kinda crazy and overwhelming. Leiland was so excited and happy about everything he got, thanked everyone, and was just a joy. Owen fell asleep around 3 and napped till I tried waking him at 530. Then he wouldn't wake till around 6. He opened his gifts and is SO in love with his new blaze toy and thomas mini's. Ellie was gifted some gorgeous little outfits and I can't wait to put a few on her. The big kids were excited about putting cookies out for Santa and went to bed great. Leiland passed out right away. Kayla got up as stockings were being filled. Oops. Then James got up a bit later. Owen was up all along because he slept so long. He finally went down around 11pm. The next morning the kids got up. Leiland didn't wake me first but thats ok. He came to get me and I woke Owen. Owen took awhile to get in the groove. Leiland LOVED his stocking. He got so excited over every little thing and wanted to show everyone how great it was. Santa brought him the bell from his sleigh and Leiland was overjoyed. Santa also brought Leiland a little art set with an easel and paints. I can't wait to do that when we get back home. Santa brought Owen a very cool big stuffed blaze which Owen bruised off that morning but now loves. Ellie slept through all of it but she was brought a beautiful little bunny. We spent the day hanging out. My mom, Dave, Anna, Jason, and William came by in the afternoon. WE played the wii quite a bit and then we had some Chinese food for dinner. YUMM. We also played quelf and I won. Thats rare. Owen fell asleep early again. He passed out at 4pm on me. I laid him on the couch to not sleep too long but that didn't work. So I put him to bed and he got up for the day at 1am. My bad.

So now Christmas is over. Laura went on vacation right after Christmas and so we stayed at her house till now. So now we are heading home tomorrow. The boys are ready to be home. So exhausted. Ellie is sick and just not feeling great. But she's cute as can be and being so sweet with everyone. She is starting to laugh now which OMG its so precious.

Its crazy to think this time last year is when we conceived her. Yes we were trying but never in my wildest dreams would I expect for it to work. My Christmas wish come true is in my arms this year.

Ill add in pictures once home and caught up a little.

9 day update

I keep wanting to make updates and keep losing track of my days. So a random 9 day update. 

Elissa is doing great. She's a pretty happy girl 95% of the day. Currently she is nursing every 1.5-2 hours. Cluster feeds in the evening then sleeps pretty good waking 1-2 times a night. She doesn't cry much. Hates a really poopy diaper but small poops and pee she doesn't care about. She will tell you when she's hungry. She will ask to nurse just to go to sleep but I'm ok with that. He is kind of hard to burp and it can take quite awhile. If she doesn't burp she will wake mad needing to burp. She rarely spits up at this point and when she doesn't it's not much. Nothing like Leiland. 

Little miss has had a few poopsplosion diapers. I think she needs bigger than the newborn Huggies. She fills them a bit too quickly. She's wearing newborn clothes just fine with several being kinda baggy. I can't wait to see how big she is tomorrow. 

Born at 8 pounds 8 oz
Left hospital at 8 pounds 6 oz
2 days old 8 pounds 2 oz 

We go in the morning to check her weight. 

Breastfeeding is going pretty well. I'm engorged and leaking but not as bad as I was. She sometimes latches too shallow and it hurts. I can't get her top lip to flange. I asked several at the hospital and I'll mention again tomorrow but I think her lip tie may need to have it fixed. They said it was flexible but I'm not sure since she can't get her lip right. 

The boys are adjusting great. Owen wants to hold her all the time. He loves petting her, holding her, kissing her, and sitting beside me when we nurse. Leiland loves holding her too. If he walks past her he will touch her as he goes past. Loves just checking in on her. They really are great big brothers. 

Oh and she lost the umbilical cord stump at a week. It was dangling by a string the last few days and finally came off in her jammies. 

That's all I can think of at the moment. 

36 weeks

It's getting real. Due in a month and it is mind blowing to me. Before long we will be a family of 5. Not a whole lot happening over here. She's content where she is. 

 - constipation
 - heartburn (needing tums at night)
 - swollen ankles
 - waddling
 - peeling often. But not waking up to pee 

Have an appointment next week. I think at hat point it switches to every week. Baby looks good and showing no signs of labor which is good. The OB will check me next week when they do the group b strep test. I don't expect anything. 

Tim gets home this week. Can't wait. I'll be so happy to have help and snuggles again. Not looking forward to having to cook meals again lol. 

So yeah not much happening or to report. 

Speech Therapy for Owen

Another reason Im so behind...

Life I tell ya...

So I've been bring up Owens lack of speech at EVERY SINGLE dr appoint since he was about 15 months. I realize at that age it was still considered normal to not be talking much, but he wasn't talking really at all. He had some words but refused to use them. It was a fight to get him to say anything ever. Hi was the most common word. I finally got him to start signing a little. Words he could say but wouldn't and words he had never even tried. He said several words then dropped them (like dog). The pediatrician told me that they won't even consider him till he is 2 years old unless he has another delay. After a hearing check that was completely normal there was nothing more to do but wait till he was 2. 

Fast forward to his 2 year appointment. I stress again that he still is NOT talking, not even trying. He can hear just fine, follows directions, makes noises but doesn't babble really at all. Screams, points, grunts, and that it. So we get a referral. Owen turned 2 at the end of March, we don't get in for a speech eval until early June. In these couple months Owen is really showing an effort to try and talk. He's picked up a couple more words and phrases and actually using them. I am beyond excited to see him trying. His only delay he showed was in expressive speech. Through this private place he was approved for 2x a week. Awesome. It goes through insurance and seems to be covered. He did great at the evaluation and I really liked the lady. We decided to start for two weeks (4 sessions) before our 3 week trip to Michigan. 

So day 1 (June 6) we go. I expect they will slightly ease him into it. Nope. I really liked the therapist at the evaluation but this day she comes to the waiting room, picks him up, and takes him back. Now had she even bothered to ask she would have quickly been told he doesn't let ANYONE even people he's used to pick him up. The kid is nervous. So of course he cried bloody murder the entire 30 minute session. I was in the waiting room crying myself. I wanted so bad to go back and sit with him. I couldn't believe this was the best way. He has no clue what is happening. When he came out he was hyperventilating and refused to look at her. We left with another appt two days later. 

Day 2 I walk back with him. They decided to do his class with another child his age. This way he can see whats supposed to happen. The therapist said he did better but I could still hear he was crying. It wasn't the same clueless terrified cry from the first day. Since she saw how well he did in the evaluation she suggested letting Leiland come back with him the next week. So thats the plan.

Day 3 Leiland goes back. Owens still not thrilled and kept trying to leave the room. But he's not crying the whole time. Yes some but not nearly as bad. He wouldn't participate but was watching avoiding all eye contact with the therapist. 

Day 4 - last one before our 3 week vacation. Leiland goes back again. Owen wasn't happy when I snuck out, but he didn't cry. He even participated in the interaction and activities. So its progress. Now we are going to be gone for 3 weeks and have to have a new therapist when we get back because she is going on maternity leave. 

In the meantime I am torn. I was upset that the peditrician sent us to this place because it requires we drive into town 2x a week for a 30 minute appointment. Not going to be the easiest once this baby comes. Plus I can't go with him and learn how to help him. SO I call the Tennessee Early Intervention. I had already called back in April once he was 2 and never heard back. This time they got back the next day and scheduled an appointment. Now the issue was that it all had to be done in 45 days and my trip to Michigan was going to put a big delay on things. So we waited till back from Michigan and started again doing the paperwork with them. 

I filled out the paperwork and scheduled the evaluation. I had Leiland go play his iPad upstairs while Owen did the eval. He was mostly cooperative and enjoyed playing the games with her. It was rather cute. He answered great too. I had heard from some others that went through them that their child was denied because they only had one delay - the worry they had referring him before 2. By the end she told me the bad news. His only area of delay was his speech and his adaptive and another section were good. She said she would input the numbers and make sure she didn't accidentally put it in wrong but most likely he wasn't qualified. Sad news for me. I was so hopeful. But he could continue at the one in town even if it was inconvenient for me. 

So then on July 29th I got a great call. The woman called because she was looking over his scores again. He basically scored a 79 in one area and the cutoff is 78. So she reviewed her notes about how I described everything and adjusted scores just slightly to qualify him. He has to be showing a 25% deficit I believe she said in at least 2 area to qualify. His speech was more than a 25% deficit but this other section is where he was right on the border. 

So in the next week someone else will call to schedule the next step. They will start by coming once a week and if after a few months if we aren't seeing improvement then they discuss doing more frequent. For me this is absolutely perfect. At least this way I can watch and learn how to help him. He will be in the comfort of his own home. 

I really hope this is enough to help this boy talk. He gets so frustrated and you can tell he has SO much to say. He's at least trying now so I am hopeful he will respond. You can tell he loves saying a word you know because you understand what he's saying. I can't wait to hear all it is he has to say. 

Major Leiland update

So part of the reason life is so hectic is the stuff Leiland is dealing with right now.

For starters Kindergarten begins in just 9 short days. I can't even believe it right now.

Then there are his sleep issues. He's had issues with his sleep for quite some time now. Ive brought it up to MANY dr's about how he just always wakes up so exhausted. Even with sleeping 12 hours most nights.

Back in December 2014 and again in March 2015 while staying in hotels (he was asleep while I was still awake) I witnessed him gasping for air. He's always snored and been a heavy sleeper but this was the first time I ever noticed the gasping. At this time we were looking into issues with asthma being something that was as issue as well. I finally took him into the pedi and we talked about this issue. He began taking daily breathing treatments 2x a day. When this didn't show any improvement he started a protocol to try and diagnose sleep apnea. In my research I learned its actually rather common in kids with asthma. So then we began that protocol - I don't remember it exactly but there were 3 steps. We went through the first two (one of which was the daily asthma meds, and daily allergy meds). Next was to use a nasal spray each night but at that point we were moving to TN.

So at the end of March 2015 we moved to TN. I took a little time to find a pediatrician. Both boys were scheduled for their annual exams. Owen was ASAP since he has just turned 1 and Leiland was right at his birthday. I was not a great fan of the dr (who wasn't actually a dr) we were seeing. After being brushed off time and time again for an issue that I truly believed was a problem I finally switched this year for each of their annual appointments. We saw a new dr who I MUCH prefer. I was getting frustrated enough that I even made a separate appointment with her just to discuss the possible sleep apnea. We discussed his sleep habits (12 hours at night and 2 hour naps still on many days), his bedwetting, and so on. She seemed more focused on his bedwetting than his waking up exhausted. She believed his sleep habits were typical of many kids his age (I disagreed). I also brought up how I didn't believe the asthma meds were doing anything and how we hadn't even needed the rescue inhaler in almost a year. So we stopped those and she wanted to talk again a few weeks later at his 5 year. We talked again and she decided to send him for a sleep study. THANK YOU. Finally something is being done to figure out whats wrong. She didn't believe he had sleep apnea but thought it could be something like restless leg syndrome.

So back in June we went to Nashville and saw a neurologist. It felt like a lame appointment only because it took so long for this dr to basically have me repeat everything Id already written down on the paperwork and he proceeded to type it all into his computer. Why even make me do the paperwork then? So anyway Leiland didn't show any major signs of sleep apnea that he noted, he doesn't seem to have a lot of nightmares, and he doesn't complain of any of the symptoms that would make you think restless leg syndrome. But we scheduled the sleep study anyway. I'm over here just hoping for an answer and terrified they will come back and say his sleep was completely normal.

So we take a 3 week trip to Michigan. No naps really for Leiland unless in the car, he's sleeping like a rock and in my bed. I don't notice the gasping for air but he hits heavy sleep almost instantly and snores no matter what position he is in. He also sweats buckets when he sleeps. Get home from the trip and the next week is the sleep study. We are to arrive at 7pm. Well I am early for EVERYTHING so I get Owen to take a nap and then we head out to Nashville. Decided to make a fun day and go to the mall for a bit before heading to the appointment. Leiland is so excited. Now I have explained this procedure the best I can having never been through it. He's nervous but once he's talked through it he's not telling me no anymore which is great. He seemed extra tired this day. When we arrive we are the first ones there. We are checked into an actual hotel. The sleep study's are done on one floor that has half the rooms set up for just that. We get our room around 730. Then we sit and wait. I didn't bring an iPad or much for them to do. So it was a long night of crabby kids who were bored. I should have put the tv on had I realized how long it would take. At 8 the tech came in. He was very hard to understand. Said something then left. I was so confused but ok - so we wait. I let Leiland play my phone for a bit while Owen and I sang songs. By now both kids are exhausted. Leiland wasn't allowed to nap so he didn't. Owen had a short nap. And then it was way past bedtime. They finally arrive about 9pm. HOLY COW. It takes him about 30 minutes to fully hook up Leiland to all the wires. Leiland is wearing his favorite paw patrol pajamas and has his Zyla to help him. I was really expecting him to fight because of how late it was now and how tired and feisty he had been. But Leiland surprised me like you can't imagine. He was laughing and smiling the entire time. He kept asking if he looked goofy. It was so funny. I told him yes and took a picture so he could see. Each step of the way when he thought he was done he tech would pull out something new to surprise him. More wires and pieces. So funny. He didn't seem to like the piece on his nose which looked so uncomfortable. But he did amazing. Then he climbed in bed and was set to sleep. He probably passed out within 5-10 minutes. I was amazed. Owen went right to sleep as well in a separate bed I was in. I listened to a book on cd for a bit with my headphones till I was ready to sleep. I went to bed about 10:45-11:00 and woke at 11:30 to Leiland crying. He was saying the one on his toe hurt. It was his pulse ox monitor and so the tech rushed in and moved it to his hand. He whimpered off and on for an hour or so but went back to sleep and didn't wake again.

They popped in about 5am and said it was complete. They began disconnecting him before he even woke. It was very uncomfortable for Leiland. he kept crying and fighting it. I don't blame him. They could have woke him first and give him a minute. Anyway we were able to stay till 7am or leave then. I gave Leiland the choice. He decided he wanted to snuggle in bed with me. So I set my alarm and climbed back in. After no more than 10 minutes he says he changed his mind and he just wants to go home. You got it dude. So we grabbed out stuff and walked to the car to head home. It was pretty early and I wanted to take them to breakfast. I praised Leiland so much for what an incredible job he did with the whole thing. Im so proud of my big boy. We ended up getting waffle house on the way home. I needed to waste enough time to be able to get the dog before heading all the way home. So that worked perfectly. They told me it would take 2-3 weeks to hear back from the Dr about the sleep study. So we carry on and wait.

On July 26th I got a call while still asleep. I woke, didn't recognize the number, and let it go to voicemail. The kids were watching a show in my bed and it rang again. I decided to answer it but it was not the same number. This time it was the dr. They called with the results form the sleep study. Leiland does indeed have sleep apnea. The protocol is to have his tonsils and adenoids removed. They offered to send me to their ENT and I was fine with that. Then while talking with a friend whose son has had this surgery she suggested her dr here in town. I decided to call and got him an appointment for the 28th. An amazing woman I spoke with even was able to get his sleep study to the dr on less than a days notice. So we went to this ENT. Again my kids were crazy at the appointment. The dr looks him over and talks about the risks of the surgery. Blood loss is the biggest risk and at his age his is in the lowest risk group. He also said in 9/10 patients this is enough to fix the problem. While he was out I was looking at a sheet they had and I asked the dr where his tonsils were according to the picture. (I will include below). He said he's between a 2-3 - not significant but not nothing. I had always felt that with me discussing this with so many dr's and them looking in his mouth at every single appointment if his tonsils were abnormally large that someone would have connected the dots. Now his are not severely enlarged by any means - they could be much more restrictive but they are still an issue.

So now we have surgery scheduled. School starts August 8th and that was the first available date. I knew this was going to interfere with school but I really don't want him to completely miss the first day. So we scheduled it for August 10th. The way school works is the first week after the first day they only go on one day for testing. So he is supposed to be out of school for a week. Well he may have to be put on the last possible day for testing but this way he misses the least amount of school. He will have to be on soft foods for up to a week and full recovery takes up to 2 weeks. 

I'm nervous - not gonna lie. But I know it will be ok. Praying this is what he needs to finally get the restful sleep he desperately needs. In my heart I knew something wasn't right. I knew he shouldn't be so tired. As far as the adenoids I have heard plenty that kids who get sick often (usually ear infections) can benefit from having them removed. So I am hopeful that maybe this will also help him with how he is always getting sick. 

Answers - I do so much better when I have answers. I need information and to know whats going on. Its just who I am at the core. I can't help it. I am glad I kept fighting for answers. The one dr that believed it was sleep apnea told me they don't do sleep studies on children and that to diagnose they just had to follow that protocol and if those didn't fix the issue then they removed the tonsils. Im glad to have concrete answers. 

So now we have a surgery date. We need to repeat the sleep study after 3 months. Im not thrilled to have to do that again, but it is what it is. At least Tim will be home and he will have to go with Leiland for it this time around. 

Lastly here are a few pictures from the whole sleep study ordeal lol. 

33 week update

Wow can you say slacker? Yeah that would be accurate. Im so behind on everything that is life lol.

Anyway tomorrow marks 33 weeks for us. Holy cow how is that even possible? I am definitely feeling lots of movements now. I have no clue what kind of position she is in, but I can feel her bulging on my right side and thats where I feel most the movement. She previously was facing my back and so I wasn't feeling too much movement but now I think she rotated allowing me to feel her. I can usually stop for a minute and feel her move at any point in the day from the moment I wake in the morning. I absolutely love it and I know I will miss it terribly once she's out of there.

I do feel big but not massive. I think Im right on track with how I was with the boys. I also think Im carrying about the same too. I haven't been good about taking pictures again this pregnancy. No surprise. Partly because my computer needs a serious clean up so I can actually put more pics on the computer and edit them. Like I said all aspects of life Im behind on.

Currently seeing the OB now every other week. I go in a couple days. My weight is around 187-190 depending what time of day. BP and her heartbeat have been great at every appointment. Im still getting dehydrated which causes me to get lightheaded, nauseous, and have to sit down. It seems to happen even more often lately. Its pretty hot out most days and the humidity definitely kicks my butt lol. The poor boys get stuck inside more than I would prefer but its just so hot out. And when I am in the heat I take forever to recover from it. Today we were back inside by 9:45 and I swear it took me almost 2 hours of sitting with fans on and drinking ice water to get back to feeling ok when I stood.

I think we are all getting really excited about little miss joining us here in the short distance. Leiland talks about it so much. He often asks to feel her kicking, but if he's watching tv or talking he's too distracted to actually notice when she kicks. I always ask if he felt it and many times he was saying no, and now he will say he felt it when she didn't kick. Then he runs off. Makes me a little sad because I don't think he's really feeling her hardly ever. Owen could care less. Many times if my shirt is up he either comes to lay on my tummy, play with my belly button, or pulls my shirt down for me lol. He's a character.

So a quick overview:
 - Hard time eating a full meal
 - heartburn most nights no matter what I eat
 - Constipation has started again
 - Peeing every 30 minutes on average during the day
 - Sleeping on my stomach still
 - Sleeping all night still unless Owen or Leiland wake me
 - Food is still very unappealing to me
 - No major cravings
 - Get winded easier but still able to keep up for the most part
 - Kicks all day long (LOVING this)
 - Felt 3-4 braxton hicks contractions so far
 - Slight back pain but not horrible most days
 - Nesting in full force

22 week update

Had an OB appt today. I'm 22 weeks. Babys hb was in the 150s, my uterus came to an inch or so above my belly button, and my weight was less than I expected. I'm 176 - still under what I started with Owens pregnancy and wore my pre pregnancy jeans to the office today. My shirts are tight and short so I'm wearing maternity tops most days but I don't have many so I use them when I'm going out. Or wear one for 3 days straight lol. 

I've been feeling more kicks and movement. I'm starting to feel the squirms and rolls more than just kicks. She's the size of a coconut which I love. 

Dr said its ok for me to use the riding lawn mower just no hills. He also said not to use a push mower. Next appt we do my 1 hour glucose test (mid June) and otherwise all is good. 

Leiland's 5!!!

How can this possibly be? My little tiny baby that took me forever to finally have is 5 years old. I can't wrap my mind around that. So many things to happen this year but the biggest being the start of the school year. He starts kindergarten this year. Next week is his last week before summer break and I plan to make it a great one.

So Leiland is now wearing 5T or XS boys tops, 3-4T shorts, and 5T pants (need the length). He's about 41" and 34-35 pounds.

Leiland is a little human with HUGE personality. He is polite, funny, sassy, sensitive, and full of attitude. He will talk EVERYONES ear off and not stop. His imagination is in full force these days and he loves to make things up. Leiland has a huge love for books and stories. He likes when you make up stories and he picks the elements in them. Im terrible at this however Tim is fantastic at telling stories.

If you ask Leiland what he wants to be when he grows up he usually just says "a dad" but sometimes he will tell you he wants to be a firefighter. One day he said he wants to be a pink fireman (as in pink uniform). He talks a lot about being a dad and when he grows up. He even talks about when he's older he wants so marry me - melt my heart.

Favorite color: PINK!!!!
Favorite show: Paw Patrol (likes many others)
Favorite food:
Favorite activity: Arts and crafts
Favorite Song: Blue Balloon
Favorite Place: Chuck E Cheese

This week Leiland and Owen moved into the same room. They now share bunk beds. Leiland loves it and showed no fear sleeping on the top bunk. He got to pick out his bedding and chose to get the doggie zippy sack. I got it on clearance at bed bath and beyond and even got to use my coupon (YAY). [find it here]

At nighttime we still struggle with nightmares at times. Not very frequently but enough. Leiland also is still waking super cranky and tired as though he hasn't had nearly enough sleep. Its becoming exhausting for everyone. We can go weeks and months before having a break and having some good days. We saw the dr and she said his sleep habits seemed normal for his age. I still disagree. We also discussed his bedwetting which I am not worried about. She too said its very normal at this age and to not stress over it. We did have to move out of pull ups and over to goodnights. He still leaks but not quite as much.

Not sure what else to say so here are some pics.

These Eyebrows are such a part of who Leiland is

Loves to play cards

Cut his own hair (4/18)

Kindergarten roundup bus ride

I LOVE when he brings home cool projects from school

Leiland dressed himself again. Red shirt. Red pants. Red underwear. And now red socks. He's one of a kind lol.

This kid LOVES board games too

A Letter To My Firstborn: I Miss Us - repost from Scary Mommy

A Letter To My Firstborn: I Miss Us

I miss you. I miss us, just you and me. Full days of playtime. Cars and trucks, coloring, dancing about the living room to the rhythm of the music, shake-shake-shaking our shakers. Rocking chairs and books before bed and lots of laughs all over the day.
I miss driving together to the store, any store. Just you in back, singing or loudly toddler-talking your way through the commute.
I miss you being able to be loud whenever you wanted. Now you have to “Be quiet! Brother is trying to rest!” You can’t stomp around the living room, laughing as boisterously as ever. You can’t yell “Momeee!” whenever I happen to step around the corner out of view. I am so desperate to get No. 2 to sleep, again.
Instead of laughs, now there’s lots of “Be thoughtful of others. Hush!”
I so often am shushing you, my firstborn, setting you aside to run to brother’s aid as he needs me for the umpteenth time. I barely get you anymore. Our quiet time is so brief it rarely exists, for you want to be loud! It is your way of getting attention. Usually it is a naughty time to be loud, but it is your way of trying to find me.
When you go to bed and I come across your toy on my bureau, I miss you. I have always missed you when you sleep (though I am glad when you finally do go to sleep), but now it is different. It is a feeling of “I didn’t get enough of you today.” My heart sighs.
Now you are one of two. And the other is still too little to not end up with more of me.
Of course I want to sit with him, too. Revel in his babbles, gurgles, and breath-stopping looks through which he says, “I love you, Mama.” The sideways grin and eyes so focused and wide with a love that’s new, an expression so deep I have to stop to catch my breath and look, really look, back at him.
I love you both with the deepest love that could exist.
But I miss you. It used to be just you, my firstborn.
I miss coming to your aid when you are sad or sick or tumble. I want to run and scoop you up, hold you, and sway like we used to. My face in your neck as you cry or fret or simply take in Mama. I miss being the one you could always turn to.
Most days, I feel like I barely have enough for either of you. I want to love as I used to, with my full attention. But there is so much need so constantly that I struggle to have enough.
Perhaps all mothers with more than one child hope for an easier future of more time to give more to each one. Until that future, I have to start each now recognizing it uniquely holds so much change and growth for you both that I’ve got to just be here as much as I am able.
For now, I have to find whatever amount of me it is I’ve got to share between you.
But I still hope to someday feel like I have and am enough. I hope when you both are out of babyhood and toddlerhood and into more independence I’ll feel like I’ve got you each covered with my love, my time, and my attention. Until then, I miss you. I miss me. I miss us.

Owen 2 year update

First off holy cow how has it been 2 year with this amazing little boy? He is so loved, so happy, a conplete joy to be around. Seriously this kid can make us laugh. 

Now for stats:
Size: 18 and 24m tops, 12m shorts and 18m pants (12m too short and 18m huge in the waist) - 24m pajamas - 6 shoe
Teeth: all but 2 year molars but working on them
Signs: milk, water, all done, again, please, thank you, snoopy (floppy ears), dinosaur, sorry, cat, dog, bear, gorilla, bird, chicken, yogurt with sprinkles
Words: (will use) mom, hi, yeah, ouch, (won't use but has said and used in the past) dad, dog, fish, yes, 
Sounds: elephant, gorilla, monkey, pig, alligator, bear, lion, tiger, cat, dog, Dino, spot (from the good dinosaur), Leiland (aghhh), train, airplane, 
Foods: loves chicken, steak, potatoes, pretzels, veggie straws, popcorn, cheese, yogurt, grilled cheese, quasidilla, macaroni and cheese, peanut butter and jelly, butter, sour cream, ranch, won't eat veggies, fruits (occasionally will have a few grapes or some banana). 

So Owen is incredible active. He both loves interaction but is also good to go off and play for two hours by himself. He lives destroying the playroom by dumping anything he can. He is getting so good putting puzzles together and can do the 5 shape sorter toy great. He is really strong and great on the monkey bars. He runs everytime he needs to get somewhere. He would live outside if you let him lol. He really likes drawing lately and showing what he drew. He can blow bubbles most times and lives chasing them to pop them if he can be faster than Dexter. He's starting to play with Leiland more and when they are both in good moods it goes great. Owen follows Leiland all around though. 

He has started watching tv more he past couple months. He really likes paw patrol both on TV and the toys and books. He likes to watch blaze and the mo ster machines and gets so mad when Leiland puts on shimmer and shine. He also likes mickey but it's rarely his first choice. He's been watching on the iPad more and it is very helpful on long drives. He likes movies too. He could watch the good dinosaur on repeat and not complain. He loves arlo. He still likes the peanuts movie as well. 

Although owen doesn't talk many times he gets across what he's thinking. He's very expressive and had pick up some hand motions that help. Lots of glinting, grunting, aghhh, and ughhh. He gets so frustrated when he can't tell you what he means it right don't understand. Full blown fits if I don't understand or he can't have his way. Lots of fits have to do with him wanting junk food and me saying no or him wanting an open cup and I give him a sippy cup. I know what he wants its just not happening. Sadly I do give in sometimes because I'm just not wanting a major meltdown. 

He does get time outs at times for being purposely mean, throwing food, biting, and those sort of things. Acts that he knows better. Although he doesn't talk he definitely understands us. It's rare when he doesn't. 

Owen is very cuddle. So many snuggled from him. He hands out kisses like candy. Usually I get one on each cheek. He also makes his toys kiss me and kiss each other. Mickey and Minnie kiss a lot as do Charlie Brown and snoopy. He is so clingy to daddy these days. Even when not feeling well it's either all dad or back and forth between us. I absolutely love it. He does have conplete meltdowns when Tim goes to work though and that's not awesome. 

So I think that's all for now. I'll try to add pics from the computer later. Maybe a video or two. Tomorrow my little man Id 2. Just crazy. 

14 week update

Hello second trimester!!!!

Uterus growing
Pee constantly
Eyes still very out of whack and need my glasses. 
Constipated (not as bad)
Itchy skin

Aside from that I don't really have any big signs of pregnancy lol. The nausea has passed, I'm not exhausted all the time. I still struggle to eat a lot of things but did manage to get half a chicken breast in last night. 

According to my app she is about the size of a lemon. That seems so big to me already. I swear with Leiland I was shocked how small he was when compared to fruit but seriously a lemon is a good size. 

I can't believe it's the second trimester and I know the time is going to fly by. Summer and pregnancy always do. I can't wait to feel little kicks from her. Hoping to feel them before Tim leaves. 

We're driving to Michigan for Easter and in really excited about that. I am showing. I feel huge in fact. I've gained about 10 pounds already. I've never gained that much this early on either. 

So pretty uneventful pregnancy over here right now. 

NT scan behind us

I don't know why but the last couple weeks I've been so anxious for this NT scan. Not nervous but not excited either. Worried I'd have a tech that wouldn't show me or tell me measurements. 

Well today was the scan and everything looks fantastic. Tim made it and the tech was amazing. Beyond amazing. She talked us through everything, discussed all the pictures and measurements she was talking. She answered all my questions and seemed incredible knowledgable. 

Baby looks great. Hb was 169 and baby was kicking and flailing all around. I'm sure I won't have another ultrasound till 20 weeks again so it was good to see the babe. 

Here's a quick pick of little smushy. It seems odd to me that the bead still seems so over rounded and chin tucked in. I don't remember that with the boys. 

Maternity 21 results

Today I got a notice that the hospitals online system had a message for me. I love the system because they can email me about things and visa versa.

SO I logged in to see what it was. Turns out its the results from the Maternity 21 test (panorama test actually).

So form what they can see everything looks great. Im so excited to hear this. But just as I thought the councilor told me that Ruths issues likely wouldn't show on this type of test and could only be confirmed with the amnio like we did with Ruth where we paid to do the CMA testing. NO worries this is till great news. I will feel much more comfortable after I do the NT scan next week on Wednesday.

The other news is now we know the gender. I couldn't be more excited to know we are having a little GIRL!!!!

11ish week update

11 weeks - it kinda feels crazy to be 11 1/2 weeks already. I have really started feeling better lately. As nausea subsides in rolls food aversions. I really struggle to eat meat and vegetables right now. Fruit and carbs are my goto. Im not starving yet but do have to eat regularly or I get nauseous.

Symptom Check:

  • Very emotional - everything makes me cry (songs, shows new and old, conversations, misunderstandings)
  • Bits of nausea but significantly better the past couple weeks
  • Constipation - the worst I've ever experienced - causing a hard protruding stomach
  • Acne - terrible horrible acne - could be because of what I'm eating
  • Sore nipples
  • Tender breasts
  • Pee all the time - seriously more then I remember at the end of pregnancy with the boys
Im glad to be feeling better. I am looking pregnant - way further than I should look. I think it has a lot to do with being bloated form the carbs (all I can stomach) and constipation. I haven't taken a belly pic yet and feel like I should. 

Leiland really interested in the baby. He loved when I read to him and tell him whats changing for the baby right now. I like showing him how big the baby is. This week its a lime. He's going to be so excited. He talks about how I eat and drink to help the baby grow. He seems to understand so much. Owen loved to kiss and hug my belly. He's been so clingy lately and just wants to be on top of me.

This week I experienced some slight bleeding/ spotting. It was first thing in the morning when I first went to the bathroom. It was in the mucus when I wiped. I went again a short bit later and there was a little more but not as much and nothing since. Ive been cramping but I just kind of attribute it to the constipation and belly aches. 

I love laying in bed holding my tummy. I can feel my uterus growing and I can feel a hard lump where I assume the baby sits. I'm still a little in shock that I am pregnant. I am blown away that this happened on its own. I'm so incredibly excited about this baby and how life is going to change in just 6 1/2 months. Its going to fly by.

6 is weeks and first ultrasound

Today is about 6 weeks based on ovulation.

Yesterday was my first ultrasound to measure me and to date the pregnancy. The tech was super nice and Tim was running late so Owen sat up on the table with me. He was so good too. She showed me the sac. It was measuring right at 6 weeks 2 days (accurate to my last period) and shows me how there is a very very small blob in there. Too small to even measure. No heartbeat is seen.

Tim did make it before the thing was over which made Owens day. But the time I got home I was so nauseous. Now on top of this I am also sick. My throat is killing me, Im exhausted. I was super shaky and light headed when I stood up. By late evening I was EXHAUSTED.

Trying to take the nausea as a good sign and that maybe the baby is just slow growing and Im not as far along as they would expect based on my period. Very possible.

Today they called with the results. They just said that there was a sac that measured at 6 weeks and no fetus or heartbeat were detected. Ugh I feel like I got punched in the gut. My heart just sank. They said they want to do another scan in about 10 days but I have to wait for them to call back to schedule it. Yesterday I still felt hopeful but today I just feel empty as though my chances of it working in my favor are slim to none. It just reminds me all too much of what happened back in 2012 when I had that miscarriage. I didn't document it very well so I really am unsure when I started spotting with that or what any of my HCG levels were.

Im kinda frustrated the dr didn't run HCG betas this time and am half tempted to ask for them now. The waiting game just sucks.

What a surprise

I'm in complete shock over here. Since Tuesday I've been cramping but off and on. So yesterday when my period still hadn't started I took a test. I only had digi tests that were free to me. I didn't not expect it to read pregnant.

Complete shock. 

Seriously I haven't gotten pregnant on my own since 2004. SHOCKED!!!! 

Tim was still sleeping so I woke him to show him. I asked if he could read that. His response was no but I'm guessing it says your pregnant. Yes sir indeed I am. I am pregnant. I had to wake him because I couldn't contain my excitement and had to tell my mom and sister. 

Today however I took a first response test. I'm a line girl. I need to see how dark the lines are and how quickly they appear. They were instant. As soon as the pee reached where the line was bam there was a line. 

Above right away.
Below after a few minutes 

We've told a lot of family so far and several friends. I have a really good feeling about this all. 

We haven't told the kids. Owen wouldn't understand but Leiland would. He's still convinced I need to "get working on making him a sister." Im trying little man I really am. I want to see an ob and maybe get an ultrasound to show the heartbeat before I give him the news. I'd love to record us telling him because I want to see his reaction over and over. 

So what changed? Seriously. I've had horrendous periods for months. The past few they've gotten much better. Just after thanksgiving I began working out and tracking everything I eat. I've lost some weight and overall think I'm healthier. I think this is why I got pregnant. I had hopes of this but did t expect it to happen so quickly. I punched in my ovulation date from using my Ovacue monitor (December 31, 2015) and it puts me due September 22, 2016. 

I still am in shock. Yesterday I could not stop smiling and hugging these beautiful boys. 

Praying for a baby that sticks. Healthy

Since its a holiday weekend I just need to wait till Tuesday (tomorrow) to call and try to get in asap for bloodwork.

I must say seeing the results of the Chinese gender prediction makes me smile a little. We shall see what comes of it.