The bigger the investment the greater the return

This is a statement I heard when watching tv. I heard it in passing about something or another. Not important, just words. Except the moment I heard it I was in tears. Salty wet drops flooding my eyes and wetting my cheeks.

Over the past years we have been through SO many hard times. Month after month of periods showing and not getting pregnant. I got out of the military in hopes of getting pregnant right away and being a stay at home mom. But it didn't happen, so I went to school. I took every class I could and I built my business. Still no baby. Then it was time for fertility dr's, tests, and more disappointment. At this point we live in terms of months. What cycle number is this? And if I get pregnant this month, when will my baby be born.

But I know, deep down, when this little bean I am carrying is born, the return will be magnificent. I won't take motherhood for granted. I will love with all my heart. My heart will finally be full with this one thing my life has revolved around for years. However, until this baby is safe in my arms, I can't rejoice in that return just yet. I'm still holding my breath, waiting to see if this is really happening. I believe it is, but as we have seen you can never be sure. So while I have little angels above watching over this baby, I still wait.

And I am SO excited and ready for that day when I can cash in my chips and be a survivor of infertility. This doesn't mean I won't need IVF again, but it will mean that I made it. All the way, I will be a mom.


Valerie said...

I could have written this exact post when I was first pregnant. I didn't have a loss like you had with Ruth, so I can't understand that. I did have a miscarriage after trying for almost a year and then had to watch the months roll by again without being pregnant. Seeing that positive pregnancy test and great beta levels are amazing, but it doesn't seem safe or real until you're holding that child in your arms.

Sarah Seibert said...

Very true Valerie. My first loss was at 16 weeks and that one took a huge toll on me.

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