How you feel with a miscarriage

I read this post by someone else today, and it really hit home, so I have to share it.

The One
I've been really trying to put a label on my feelings the past couple of days. (As my husband has said before, I always over-think things!) I can't figure out why I was fine shortly after finding out I had miscarried (by that afternoon I seemed to be logical, rational, and accepting of what had happened.) We went on about the weekend as if it were any other. But then Monday, after the D&C, it hit me. Not sure WHAT hit me, but something did. Hormones, I guess. Here's the best way I can describe how it feels, at least for me. I'm sure everyone feels differently.

I would describe my sadness as the kind you feel after a break up. Not just any break up, tho. The kind where you were sure that person was the one. You have planned and dreamed in your head all the details: The wedding, the dog you're going to buy together, how you will decorate your first home, the vacations you will take, the children you will have with that person. You have told all of your friends and family about the one, and they are all in love with him too.

Then you realize that the person you loved, the one you imagined spending the rest of your life with, is not the one for you. You know that you cannot change them. You cannot change the outcome of the relationship that is on the brink of failure. You accept that you must move on, you accept that it just wasn't meant to be. You take down all his pictures, you go out with your friends and assure them (and yourself) that you are FINE. But in the back of your mind... you wonder, Was it something I did? Something I said? What if....? But it's too late, they are already gone. Their stuff is moved out, their phone number is changed, they are gone.

The days go by. You are confident that one day, you will find the one that is truly meant to be in your arms. But you still wake up every morning and roll over, expecting that person to be there, and they are not. You feel that emptiness, that reminder that this is really real. They are the last thing you think about as you fight your way to sleep. Throughout your day, you find yourself looking ahead on the calendar at dates that were marked to include that person. You have to get a new planner because you wrote it all in pen. When you show up to your cousin's destination wedding alone, you remind yourself how much more miserable you would have been taking someone who was no longer the one. Yet you dread telling people that it's over when they inevitibly ask how things are going with the one.

Does all that make any sense at all???

One day, I will wake up and my empty (yet muffin-topped) belly won't be the first thing I think about. One day, I will be awakened by the cry of a new baby, and I won't be able to imagine having any other baby than THAT one (besides Brax, of course.) THAT will be the one that is meant for me to hold. That will be the one that I will repaint the ugly green spare bedroom for. That baby will be the one to go to Disney World with us, to be in our dorky Christmas card picture, to steal Brax's crib from him. I will get thru the holidays and events that I thought would include this baby, knowing how heartbreaking they would have been if this baby had been born unhealthy and then taken from me later. I will love and hold and cherish my little boy, and let his greasy, naked, full-body hugs heal my heart.


Val, Mike, Brax and Harper said...

i am flattered that you chose to include my post on your blog! you have a lot of great things on here for others that have gone thru this.
i am praying for you!

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