Ruth Pregnancy Stats

Dec 18 - HCG Beta 29,
Dec 21 - HCG Beta 114,
Dec 29 - HCG Beta 1000, Prog 15.58,
Dec 31 - HCG 1615. Prog 40.53
January 8, 2010 - Ultrasound, 5mm baby and HR 90 BPM,
January 15 - HB 141 YEAH, ordered doppler
February 1 - U/S looks great 174 HB
March 4 - Heard HB on doppler for the first time
April 18 - Ruth born 21 weeks

Angel Sayings

Some people only dream of angels, I held one in my arms

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

Last thing at night, send them love,
and with the dawn more again.
for the bonds will never be broken,
and that love will remind you
they still exist

God gave the most precious gift to me~ As He did so he whispered so tenderly, "This child I give you is not yours to keep, When I call her Home, please do not weep.

For I will take her by the hand, across my bridge of love, Together we will fly to my Golden Gates above, Where she can play in the sand, as soft as a sigh, The sun will always shine on her, in a summer blue sky, Her playmates will be Angels with gossamer wings, Her own spiritual mother, a sweet lullaby sings, I'll welcome home, this child, so precious in my sight, She'll be safe at last, a child of Gods light.

So do not grieve when the time comes, she's forever in my care, Behind Heavens Doorway, she'll wait for you there"


An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for Earth."

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it

Back on Topic

So I started this blog to have a place to "get it all out" about our troubles starting a family, but I also want to keep this after our family comes along. I want to document our life ana have our far away family feel as though they are apart of the everyday life stuff. I haven't given my blog address to anyone yet, but eventually I will. I still have a lt to update.

Anyway, I haven't been posting about our struggles yet, so I think its time I get back to the topic of the blog.

I have recently taken all of our baby clothes up to one of the spare rooms here. It is the ?Mirror Room" as we have labeled it. This room is the only one that touches our room, but it also doesn't get direct sun in the morning. I have already decided (for now anyway) that this is the room I want to be the nursery. In our last house here in CA, I didn't bring any of the baby stuff in. But it didn't help much. I just spend many days looking through it all in the garage instead. So this time, I am not holding back. I brought it all in the house. That WILL be my babies room one way or another, so why not put it in its place now?

But when it comes to baby things, I have an obsession. I can't help but looking through it all and thinking about my little girl or boy wearing that dress, or that pajama set. I will admit, its mostly dreams of a little girl though. Our first pregnancy I thought it was a girl, our last one was a girl, and well I have a TON of little girl clothes.

We have already chosen when we will be starting our next round of IVF, so now I look at each piece and think, will she fit in this one at the right season? If she is small this one might fit. I can't really help it, but it makes the days a little easier. Occasionally I will pull something out to donate to good will but for the most part the stash just grows. I also love looking at different coordination's of outfits to see what I like together. I even have been known to look at them and see which ones would be cute together, if we had twins. Obsession, I know.

But I really can't help it, its the only way I know how to look ahead at the future.

I made baby legs

I have always thought baby legs were just absolutely adorable, so today I finally decided to make a set. I am obsessed with knee high socks, so I bought two pair today at Target, and I made my first two sets of baby legs. I did have a couple mishaps while sewing, but no biggie, you can't even tell. I really hope they fir my little cousin I am testing them on. I made one pair with a full cuff and one with a much smaller cuff. Not sure yet which I prefer.

Here they are. Aren't they just the cutest?

Got out of the House

Lately I have felt cooped up in the house. For our Anniversary Tim bought me a couple new lenses for my camera. One happened to be a macro lens. This lens isn't for my business, but for fun. So I was pretty excited. So Thursday I decided to go out and have a little fun. But when I left the house, I ran into some bad weather. I didn't want to drive all the way out there for crappy weather. So I went shopping instead. Well after a few hours of shopping I decided to give it a go. I drove the extra 40 minutes to get to The Arboretum in Los Angeles, CA. I have to say though, I was a little disappointed. I couldn't believe how many of the plants and flowers were dead. So I walked around for a bit, struggling to get into the swing of things with my new lens.



I wandered the grounds for a bit snapping pictures but struggling. I couldn't seem to get the focus on and with the wind, it just made it harder. I didn't walk very far, and I looked at the map to see that the place was HUGE compared to where I had walked. So I think I will want to go back, but with better shoes for walking next time.

So at first glance, these are a few of my favorite shots.

Grey's Anatomy

This week I have decided to watch the seasons of Grey's Anatomy.I haven't ever seen it before and I am definitely loving it so far. I am currently in the third season. Although I feel like a complete dop laughing so hard alone, I don't mind being alone when I cry. Its about all I did yesterday. I can't stop thinking about Ruth.

Yesterday there was an episode that hit me. A woman on there was pregnant with quint girls from IVF. 4 had complications and one in particular was watched. She had the same heart problem that Ruth was diagnosed with. That one really got to me. Then today, another episode and the baby had a diaphragmatic hernia. Again I cried for Ruth and I think of what would have been. I know its just a tv show, but it gives me a little bit of peace. I am at peace with Ruth passing, even though I miss her terribly. Then today, a baby was still born, and the dr had the perfect line. She said "Good things should happen to good people." She was devastated over telling her patient their baby had died, because they were so happy to be having a family.

So Grey's, I have fallen for you. And you give me some subtle comfort.

Amnio Results

So today I called the dr office about getting the results from our amnio. We had this done one month ago exactly. I have wanted to call the last few days, but by the time I remember it, it was 3pm here and then they were closed. So, today I called and got the machine so I left a message.

Anyway, so the genetics councilor called me back not even 20 minutes later.

And we have results.

Downs Syndrome

But its not a case of typical downs, that's why it wasn't found on the CVS test at 13 weeks. Instead of having an extra copy of chromosome 21, she only had some extra genes instead of an entire extra chromosome. The woman I talked with doesn't think this is something we are passing on though. She explained it this way. If we had this defect, we wouldn't be able to live with it. So that would mean we don't have the gene issue, so we aren't passing it on. The chance of this happening again is SO low. Mainly because it was a fluke when her cells were dividing in the beginning.

So its great to have an answer. We have to wait a few weeks still for the autopsy results but we are getting answers. We are really hoping that we get a good idea of all her issues inside because that is what was life threatening to her.

But for the most part, this just reconfirmed that she would not have been able to live had she been born full term.

It surprises me

I have to say, it really surprises me that having my milk coming in isn't upsetting me more. Yes I think of little Ruth every time I leak or have a sore spot. But the reality is, she would have never been able to feed from me because of all her issues. At this point, it just makes me think so much about my one day child who I can't wait to nurse.

My milk came in

So my boobs have definitely been very sore, and yesterday I noticed the outsides were hard as rocks, but still no milk. Well I woke up and went to the bathroom to find I have my milk now. And it leaked through m bra and my shirt. Very weird. I have to go get a sports bra and some pads for my milk because I don't have time to wash my bra before I leave for California.

Very interesting.

The story of Ruth's birth

So, on April 18, 2009 Tim and I headed to the hospital in Royal Oak, MI and arrived a little after 7. I had been cramping for about a month, but this was more then normal. The Friday before, we had been to the OB, and he checked my cervix and found that I was starting to dilate.

We filled out some paperwork at the hospital and were put in a room. It took about an hour before the dr was in, but the nurses came and went for more paperwork and some family history. I gowned up and the dr checked me and confirmed I was dilating. The dr that was there was an intern who I met the Wednesday prior. She was a great dr and very compassionate.

They had informed me that because of how early I was, it could take 3-4 days for everything to progress and happen. That scared the crap out of me. Soon after getting there, they gave me an IV, told me no more food, and gave me some pain medication (Nubain) through the IV. This medication kicked in within about a minute. It makes you really dizzy. For me I just couldn't focus so I had to close my eyes. And it made me tired so I slept most of the day.

The nurses came to check on me every 45 minutes or so. While I was on the medication I slept so much and only woke to go to the bathroom. Tim was so great to help me move around. Because of the meds, I was also very uneasy on my feet, so he was great to help me walk. The nurse kept asking how the pain was, but at first I had none and after a few hours it was just mild cramping. Tim went to get food while I slept and he was able to get breakfast and lunch at the hospital. Around 4, I told the nurse my pain was a little too much to bare and I asked for more of the Nubain. They were able to order it and get it in by about 4:30. The dr (resident and my OB) checked and said I was 2cm dilated. I was so worried that after 8 hours I hadn't moved very much.

So I was given more Nubain, but after an hour the pain was much worse. It wasn't helping me anymore. So the nurse ordered some Morphine. That should have worked right away. They put 1/2 in the IV and 1/2 IM in my thigh. It did NOTHING. At this point I was starting to get really nauseous. I couldn't even keep my eyes open. The nurse kept asking if I wanted an epidural, but I was terrified that if I was going to be there a couple days, I didn't want to be stuck in bed. So I said no, again.

The nurse said she had one more option in terms of IV meds. It took at least 30 minutes to set it all up, but it was a pump that they hooked up, and I could press a button it administer more. This started to work after about 3 pumps on my part and one or two from the nurse. Now all day I had to pee a TON from all the IV fluids. I had also had the urge to poop, but thank you pregnancy, it wasn't working. So I felt the need to poop and decided to try again. Tim walked me to the bathroom and I peed a ton but when I tried to poop, I could feel Ruth moving. I told the nurse and she wanted me right back in the bed. So I was escorted back to the bed. No one believed I was ready to push because just before when they checked I was only 2cm dilated.

So the OB set me on the bed and wanted to check me again. Then he told me to give him a push. Since I felt it was time, I gave it all my might and I pushed. He quickly had me stop to get everything ready. Then he told me I could push again and out she came. She was still inside the amniotic sac. My sac never burst and my water didn't break. I assume its because there was almost no water inside. After she was out I instantly felt better. I didn't think I was going to throw up anymore, thank goodness.

So the nurses and one of the dr's took Ruth to the little bed thing to look at her. She was born alive, but wasn't breathing. Her heart beat was really slow but she was alive. The nurse left me push when I felt the urge and I was just passing blog clots, no tissue. The dr was very worried about me bleeding bad and needing a D&E. But after just a few pushes I past the placenta with no issues. I had a few clots and some bleeding but there was no tissue and not much cramping. They gave me some pitocin in my IV to help my uterus cramp to make sure everything came out.

After a little bit they let me hold Ruth. Tim had already gone over to look at her, but I was just sitting there. They brought her over and I got to hold her. She was SO tiny, but really it was all just a shock. They took little footprints of her that were just so sweet. The nurse took some pictures, but then Tim gave me my camera so I could take a bunch. They came out SO precious.

After about an hour, they came in to check on Ruth, she had passed. I think I knew it because I noticed her skin started looking different. It almost looked like it was drooping from her face. They let me hold her again, and this is when I took pictures of her outside her dress. I made sure to take pictures of her arm that didn't grow, and tried to capture the bulge in her chest. She has so many issues, but she was still perfect.

That night we were able to go home, I was so pleased I didn't have to spend the night. We got so lucky that there were no complications. So I got to sleep in my own bed that night.

Weird Dream

I woke up from such a weird dream this morning. I dreamt we had a little boy and I named him Oliver. But I didn't remember the birth. I remembered contracting and waiting for an epidural. When I was finally aware they told me we named him Oliver, and I hated it. And we called him Oli. I was so upset in my dream because that was never a name on our list and I didn't want to call him that.

So yeah, another weird dream.

16w1d

How far along: 16 weeks 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: Not sure, go to the dr on Thursday
Maternity clothes: Pants still, no tops yet
Stretch marks: Not yet
Sleep: Love it, still on my stomach too
Best moment this week: Made it through the past two days without crying
Movement: Not yet, really scared for it though
Food cravings: Nothing really sounds good, no real hunger either
Gender: Girl - LOVE her so much
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: being able to hide my pregnancy
What I am looking forward to: My 18 weeks ultrasound for more info
Weekly Wisdom: None here, still stressed to no end
Milestones: I look pregnant now

Talked to Dr and have an appointment

Ok, so yesterday I called and I made an appointment to go in and talk to a dr hoping to get some more answers. Well shortly after I got a call from my OB I had seen. He said he read the report but had not yet seen the images. I kept saying I needed more answers and he just continued with we have to wait and see. So I told him there was NO way I could wait another month before being seen. He asked me why I went in so soon when he has told me to go in a month. I assured him that it was the fetal imaging center that urged me to come in ASAP to know what was happening. I was so upset because they knew how early I was and that they couldn't see what was happening fully. So he said he would call them and he called me back.



So when he called back I was in the middle of crying, like balling and unable to breath. He was able to answer a couple questions and tell me I could go back at 18 weeks for the fetal echocardiogram. So I called this morning to schedule that. And they wanted me to wait an additional week. I flat out said no, my OB said to come in at 18 weeks. So she had to put me on hold because her dr wanted me in at 19 weeks. Either way I have my fetal echo set for 18 weeks 2 days.



Now my sisters sister in law is a Nurse down in Detroit. She knows this high rish OB down there that specialixes in birth defects like this. And he is known around the world. So she said to call them to get an appointment and if there were issues to let her know. So I am still waiting to hear back from her, but I really hope they can get me in. The recptionist at that dr office said to call back when I get a script and schedule an amnio and an ultrasound.



So we will see, but thats the update as of now.

Ultrasound update

Ok, so the arm is still short, no forearm and she has two digits in a claw like shape. Workable

My amniotic sac has separated from the uterus, they said it can reattach but if it doesn't it can cause issues with possibly suffocating the umbilical cord. Also, my fluid is pretty low for this stage in pregnancy, and the sac is surrounding the baby more then the fluid is.

The heart, well it is on the right side of the chest and thats all they can see at this point. The reason, the diaphragm never closed completely an the intestines have moved up. There are also issues with the intestines, but I don't remember all of what he said. Now this is the biggest issue. It is causing the lungs to go to the right side. And there is a chance the lungs won't grow there, and if they don't start developing soon, the baby can't live. There is no fix if the lungs don't develop. There is also a variation in the spine it isn't straight, but almost hunched. They aren't sure if this is because of the intestines being forced up into the chest cavity.

And there is something wrong with the kidneys. One is large and they don't know if its because it isn't draining, or if its backing up into the bladder. The left kidney is small and they don't know if it will even function.

I am sure there is something I am missing, but thats about it.

I haven' cried this hard in so long. I am struggling really hard with what to do. They want me back in a MONTH. I think that is insane. Wait till I start feeling her kick just to wait and see. I just can't believe how much is going wrong. And my poor husband. I am here with family, he is deployed completely alone. He even works his 12 hour shift alone.

I am glad my mom could go with me, not for suport, but so she finally realizes how bad it is. I wasn't expecting this. I couldn't have imagined this many problems with my little girl. And no answers as to why. So at this point, I can't really think too much about it, I think I got out my crying today but I have a terrible headache and just pounding. I am calling the OB tomorrow to get in ASAP for some answers. We will see if I can get in.

So anyway, thats where we stand. The reality is if her lungs don't grow, she has no chance at living, you can't overcome that. And if they do, she faces a long road of surgeries, hoping everything is operable.

At this point, I am struggling with the best thing to do for her. I am not sure what to do. My mom stings are being pulled but so are my faith ties. I can in no way handle carrying a baby to term just to watch her pass. Its not fair to me or her. So I am basically a mess here for now.

I just wanted to update you.