It surprises me

I have to say, it really surprises me that having my milk coming in isn't upsetting me more. Yes I think of little Ruth every time I leak or have a sore spot. But the reality is, she would have never been able to feed from me because of all her issues. At this point, it just makes me think so much about my one day child who I can't wait to nurse.

My milk came in

So my boobs have definitely been very sore, and yesterday I noticed the outsides were hard as rocks, but still no milk. Well I woke up and went to the bathroom to find I have my milk now. And it leaked through m bra and my shirt. Very weird. I have to go get a sports bra and some pads for my milk because I don't have time to wash my bra before I leave for California.

Very interesting.

The story of Ruth's birth

So, on April 18, 2009 Tim and I headed to the hospital in Royal Oak, MI and arrived a little after 7. I had been cramping for about a month, but this was more then normal. The Friday before, we had been to the OB, and he checked my cervix and found that I was starting to dilate.

We filled out some paperwork at the hospital and were put in a room. It took about an hour before the dr was in, but the nurses came and went for more paperwork and some family history. I gowned up and the dr checked me and confirmed I was dilating. The dr that was there was an intern who I met the Wednesday prior. She was a great dr and very compassionate.

They had informed me that because of how early I was, it could take 3-4 days for everything to progress and happen. That scared the crap out of me. Soon after getting there, they gave me an IV, told me no more food, and gave me some pain medication (Nubain) through the IV. This medication kicked in within about a minute. It makes you really dizzy. For me I just couldn't focus so I had to close my eyes. And it made me tired so I slept most of the day.

The nurses came to check on me every 45 minutes or so. While I was on the medication I slept so much and only woke to go to the bathroom. Tim was so great to help me move around. Because of the meds, I was also very uneasy on my feet, so he was great to help me walk. The nurse kept asking how the pain was, but at first I had none and after a few hours it was just mild cramping. Tim went to get food while I slept and he was able to get breakfast and lunch at the hospital. Around 4, I told the nurse my pain was a little too much to bare and I asked for more of the Nubain. They were able to order it and get it in by about 4:30. The dr (resident and my OB) checked and said I was 2cm dilated. I was so worried that after 8 hours I hadn't moved very much.

So I was given more Nubain, but after an hour the pain was much worse. It wasn't helping me anymore. So the nurse ordered some Morphine. That should have worked right away. They put 1/2 in the IV and 1/2 IM in my thigh. It did NOTHING. At this point I was starting to get really nauseous. I couldn't even keep my eyes open. The nurse kept asking if I wanted an epidural, but I was terrified that if I was going to be there a couple days, I didn't want to be stuck in bed. So I said no, again.

The nurse said she had one more option in terms of IV meds. It took at least 30 minutes to set it all up, but it was a pump that they hooked up, and I could press a button it administer more. This started to work after about 3 pumps on my part and one or two from the nurse. Now all day I had to pee a TON from all the IV fluids. I had also had the urge to poop, but thank you pregnancy, it wasn't working. So I felt the need to poop and decided to try again. Tim walked me to the bathroom and I peed a ton but when I tried to poop, I could feel Ruth moving. I told the nurse and she wanted me right back in the bed. So I was escorted back to the bed. No one believed I was ready to push because just before when they checked I was only 2cm dilated.

So the OB set me on the bed and wanted to check me again. Then he told me to give him a push. Since I felt it was time, I gave it all my might and I pushed. He quickly had me stop to get everything ready. Then he told me I could push again and out she came. She was still inside the amniotic sac. My sac never burst and my water didn't break. I assume its because there was almost no water inside. After she was out I instantly felt better. I didn't think I was going to throw up anymore, thank goodness.

So the nurses and one of the dr's took Ruth to the little bed thing to look at her. She was born alive, but wasn't breathing. Her heart beat was really slow but she was alive. The nurse left me push when I felt the urge and I was just passing blog clots, no tissue. The dr was very worried about me bleeding bad and needing a D&E. But after just a few pushes I past the placenta with no issues. I had a few clots and some bleeding but there was no tissue and not much cramping. They gave me some pitocin in my IV to help my uterus cramp to make sure everything came out.

After a little bit they let me hold Ruth. Tim had already gone over to look at her, but I was just sitting there. They brought her over and I got to hold her. She was SO tiny, but really it was all just a shock. They took little footprints of her that were just so sweet. The nurse took some pictures, but then Tim gave me my camera so I could take a bunch. They came out SO precious.

After about an hour, they came in to check on Ruth, she had passed. I think I knew it because I noticed her skin started looking different. It almost looked like it was drooping from her face. They let me hold her again, and this is when I took pictures of her outside her dress. I made sure to take pictures of her arm that didn't grow, and tried to capture the bulge in her chest. She has so many issues, but she was still perfect.

That night we were able to go home, I was so pleased I didn't have to spend the night. We got so lucky that there were no complications. So I got to sleep in my own bed that night.


Photobucket

Photobucket

Weird Dream

I woke up from such a weird dream this morning. I dreamt we had a little boy and I named him Oliver. But I didn't remember the birth. I remembered contracting and waiting for an epidural. When I was finally aware they told me we named him Oliver, and I hated it. And we called him Oli. I was so upset in my dream because that was never a name on our list and I didn't want to call him that.

So yeah, another weird dream.

16w1d

How far along: 16 weeks 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: Not sure, go to the dr on Thursday
Maternity clothes: Pants still, no tops yet
Stretch marks: Not yet
Sleep: Love it, still on my stomach too
Best moment this week: Made it through the past two days without crying
Movement: Not yet, really scared for it though
Food cravings: Nothing really sounds good, no real hunger either
Gender: Girl - LOVE her so much
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: being able to hide my pregnancy
What I am looking forward to: My 18 weeks ultrasound for more info
Weekly Wisdom: None here, still stressed to no end
Milestones: I look pregnant now

Talked to Dr and have an appointment

Ok, so yesterday I called and I made an appointment to go in and talk to a dr hoping to get some more answers. Well shortly after I got a call from my OB I had seen. He said he read the report but had not yet seen the images. I kept saying I needed more answers and he just continued with we have to wait and see. So I told him there was NO way I could wait another month before being seen. He asked me why I went in so soon when he has told me to go in a month. I assured him that it was the fetal imaging center that urged me to come in ASAP to know what was happening. I was so upset because they knew how early I was and that they couldn't see what was happening fully. So he said he would call them and he called me back.



So when he called back I was in the middle of crying, like balling and unable to breath. He was able to answer a couple questions and tell me I could go back at 18 weeks for the fetal echocardiogram. So I called this morning to schedule that. And they wanted me to wait an additional week. I flat out said no, my OB said to come in at 18 weeks. So she had to put me on hold because her dr wanted me in at 19 weeks. Either way I have my fetal echo set for 18 weeks 2 days.



Now my sisters sister in law is a Nurse down in Detroit. She knows this high rish OB down there that specialixes in birth defects like this. And he is known around the world. So she said to call them to get an appointment and if there were issues to let her know. So I am still waiting to hear back from her, but I really hope they can get me in. The recptionist at that dr office said to call back when I get a script and schedule an amnio and an ultrasound.



So we will see, but thats the update as of now.

Ultrasound update

Ok, so the arm is still short, no forearm and she has two digits in a claw like shape. Workable

My amniotic sac has separated from the uterus, they said it can reattach but if it doesn't it can cause issues with possibly suffocating the umbilical cord. Also, my fluid is pretty low for this stage in pregnancy, and the sac is surrounding the baby more then the fluid is.

The heart, well it is on the right side of the chest and thats all they can see at this point. The reason, the diaphragm never closed completely an the intestines have moved up. There are also issues with the intestines, but I don't remember all of what he said. Now this is the biggest issue. It is causing the lungs to go to the right side. And there is a chance the lungs won't grow there, and if they don't start developing soon, the baby can't live. There is no fix if the lungs don't develop. There is also a variation in the spine it isn't straight, but almost hunched. They aren't sure if this is because of the intestines being forced up into the chest cavity.

And there is something wrong with the kidneys. One is large and they don't know if its because it isn't draining, or if its backing up into the bladder. The left kidney is small and they don't know if it will even function.

I am sure there is something I am missing, but thats about it.

I haven' cried this hard in so long. I am struggling really hard with what to do. They want me back in a MONTH. I think that is insane. Wait till I start feeling her kick just to wait and see. I just can't believe how much is going wrong. And my poor husband. I am here with family, he is deployed completely alone. He even works his 12 hour shift alone.

I am glad my mom could go with me, not for suport, but so she finally realizes how bad it is. I wasn't expecting this. I couldn't have imagined this many problems with my little girl. And no answers as to why. So at this point, I can't really think too much about it, I think I got out my crying today but I have a terrible headache and just pounding. I am calling the OB tomorrow to get in ASAP for some answers. We will see if I can get in.

So anyway, thats where we stand. The reality is if her lungs don't grow, she has no chance at living, you can't overcome that. And if they do, she faces a long road of surgeries, hoping everything is operable.

At this point, I am struggling with the best thing to do for her. I am not sure what to do. My mom stings are being pulled but so are my faith ties. I can in no way handle carrying a baby to term just to watch her pass. Its not fair to me or her. So I am basically a mess here for now.

I just wanted to update you.

CVS results and gender

So I got the call today to tell us the results from our CVS. There are NO chromosome abnormalities with out precious little bean. I am SO happy to hear this great news. They offered some additional testing but I don't feel its necessary. I am happy with this. Now we just wait to see how the heart looks as it grows and see whats up with the arm.

And, we now know we are having a Little GIRL!!!

DH and I are so excited, we both really wanted a girl, but would be happy either way. I am so happy right now.

NT Scan with pictures

Here are some pictures I freeze framed from the ultrasounds we had. The black and white are from the second day where the NT was measuring larger (4.55mm) and the orange 2d pictures are from the first NT scan where they noticed the arm length issue.

Both arms from top
Photobucket

Long arm from top
Photobucket

Short Arm from top
Photobucket

Long arm from side
Photobucket

Short arm from side
Photobucket

All measurements from day 2
Photobucket

Abnormal NT measurements
Photobucket

Photobucket

3d imagefrom day 2
Photobucket

Told the RE

I have an appointment next Wednesday to see my RE one last time before I head out to Michigan. I don't feel the need to drive all the way out there just to see my baby one more time on an ultrasound. He can't tell me anything more, so there was no reason to go in. So today I called the office and asked to have Dr Quintero call me back, and he did within 10 minutes of it. So I filled him in on what we found and he felt really bad and apologized. He was asking questions because he offered to do the D&C there at their office, but we won't know results and make a decision before we head for Michigan. But he did say that he will keep with my plan, since we paid for two cycles.

I thought that was really awesome.

So thats that, I had lots of dreams last night, and was able to sleep in.

CVS Test

Ok, so my CVS test was able to be done today, even though we just had the NT Scan yesterday. We should have he results in about 7-10 days. We talked with the genetics councilor and we still have no idea what this is because there is honestly NOTHING in mine or dh's family history. So we did the CVS to test chromosomes and have a more definitive idea of whats going on.

However, the dr at this office also did a scan, they measured the NT again and it was a little larget at 4.5 mm. The HB was 151 today and baby was kicking around. They never got a great view of the shorter arm but they did notice it. However its still very hard to see how abnormal it is. The Dr also mentioned he thinks there might be a club foot. We won't really know for sure or how bad till the 20 week ultrasound when they can do a comprehensive ultrasound of limps when baby is larger.

Ok, and on top of that, he mentioned there is a problem with the heart, and even the tech noticed it. They said something about it being off axis, but didn't really explain. He said once we know where the chromosomes are we can have an U/S to look at it closely and see how it developes. Right now its just too small and underdeveloped to really see whats wrong with it. Then I will have to have a 22 week echocardiogram to really go in-depth to look at the heart.

So DH and I are talking. I will load pics later to show you what we are talking about, but we can't see the feet. We are discussing different scenarios, and if everything is the issue (feet, arm, heart, and chromosomes) then we have to decide about things like how many surgeries that would be and what kind of life it will be. We both agree we could handle DS, but anything like trisomy 13 and 18, they just don't offer any kind of life for this baby.

So that is where we stand right now. I appreciate all the prayers we can have, we really need them right now.

I am on bedrest for two days after the CVS. They had to go through my abdomen because of where the placenta was located, but it wasn't terrible. There was a lot of cramping, but it went fairley quick. I even got to see the tissue sample, and that was kind of neat.

Oh and we learned that the NT enlargement could be a sign of a heart issue, and there is a chance that nothing is wrong with the babies chromosomes.

NT Scan -12w3d

So, today I went for the beloved NT scan. Before hand I was not going to go if Insurance didn't cover it. I felt I didn't need to pay the $895 for an elaborate ultrasound when I had NO family history or anything that would suggest I would have a need for it.

But they told me the copay was only $40, so I decided why not. So I went in for my appointment at 9:45 this morning, and was finally seen at 10:45. The ultrasound combined was only about 25-35 minutes, but I was in there about an hour.We had to stop and I had to bounce around to see baby at a different angle.

Baby is still measuring about a week behind, but its still growing.

So when the dr got the second view, he showed me a few things. One, I have a fibroid on one side, but he didn't tell me how large it was. Then he showed me excess fluid and even I could tell it was more then what the normal pictures had looked like.

So there is more then likely something wrong. I am rushing in tomorrow to get a CVS test done so I don't have to wait till I am 16-18 to have an Amnio done. I don't want to wait that long to know whats wrong.

The other things. It appears that baby has one arm that did not grow right. And the dr things this is related to whatever abnormality it has. It seems to have an elbow and a hand, but I couldn't see if it had fingers or if they are webbed. The baby didn't move that arm much, and its about 1/2 the length.

So thats the news so far. I balled my eyes out this morning, and I am doing ok right now. DH is being great and I was able to call a few friends who really helped me.

Please keep us in our prayers. I am just praying this baby has something other then a death sentience and can just be born and be a kid. Praying is all I can do at this point, its out of my hands.

Thanks for reading everyone.

11 weeks - wow

How far along: 11 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 7 pounds
Maternity clothes: Pants, I ripped my only regular pair, so I just switched since it was inevitable
Stretch marks: None yet
Sleep: Wanting more, and can't help but fall asleep earlier.
Best moment this week: I went to register, I know its WAY early, but oh well, I will adjust and rearrange them when the time gets closer.
Movement: Not yet
Food cravings: This week nothing really sounds good, but I am still hooked on chicken noodle soup, Lipton brand
Gender: Not sure yet, thinking girl
Labor Signs: too soon
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: My sex drive
What I am looking forward to: The NT scan ultrasound next week, can you imagine, I get to watch my bean for over an hour on the screen
Weekly Wisdom: I have learned my hormones make me crazy, and I just need to keep my mouth closed sometimes.
Milestones: Nothing i can think of

Today was the day

That I took my final shot of Progesterone in Oil. What a big day it was. I have been taking this shot in the bit bent over my stove since we put those two embryos back inside me on December 6th. I honestly don't mind the shot for the most part, after the first two, they really didn't hurt, and many times I never felt it go it. The first week I had to sit on a heating pad for my sore cheeks, but that had to eventually end because I got far too warm. Eventually my right butt check went mostly numb, however the shots usually hurt worse them. We have ofically run out of spots to prick my ass, and well we lived.

So 62 days and shots, plus 81 IUI later, I am wishing my progesterone a friendly farewell.

Now it is time for my tush to heal and go back to its normal shape and size.

Here marks 10 weeks and 5 day pregnant STILL!!!!